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Razzy's Blog

A blog by Razzy in General

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My Battle

Razzy

Entry posted by Razzy ·

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This is my first time doing this so please be patient with me...

About a year and a half ago I met a guy at a store, he asked for my numbers so I gave them to him, we got to know each other and for 8months we were friends, we'd talk everyday, he'd bring me breakfast on Sundays or buy me chocolate after a really bad test. In August last year he asked that we become more than friends, since we were such great friends I figured it wouldn't hurt to try. We went to the same church and found it easy just being together. On the 19th of September 2014 I had just finished writing my semester tests and we were celebrating at his place, he was drinking and I chose not to. As we were watching television he began kissing me, initially I responded, but then he started taking my clothes off, at this point he was lying on top of me. I asked him to stop but he didn't all he said was "come on Babe I've been looking forward to this" and continued as if I'd said nothing. I tried to push him off me but he was not only bigger than me, but my 4foot height couldn't compare to his 6foot 1 (being as short as I am, I've always had a thing for big tall guys that day made me rethink my preferences). Needless to say that my shoving and pushing didn't even phase him. He then proceeded to put his hands up my skirt and began groping me, I kept asking him to stop but I guess I wasn't loud enough cause he didn't. After undressing me, he took what he wanted and when he was done he drove me home. I got home, went straight to my room and slept. The next day he called me to ask if we could "meet up", I didn't even respond to him, I just blocked his number. I couldn't tell anyone about it, I felt so weak. I've always been a blunt person, saying things as they are, standing up for what I believe in and that day I felt like I couldn't even stand for myself, no matter what I did I was too weak to fight for me. I felt dirty and I blamed myself for it, for months and months I blamed myself for it, and to be quite honest a part of me still does. Since the incident I've avoided relationships, I changed churches and dedicated my time to family and my church. But every now and then he'll drive by when I'm walking to the shop, every now and then I feel filthy and disgusted by myself, every now and then I feel like the girl who tried to fight but could not defend herself.....

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trying2accept

What happened is not your fault. He raped you and the only person responsible for rape, is the rapist. You shouldn't feel dirty or disgusted. You did everything you could to fight and even more amazing than that, you survived. I'm sorry you are hurting and I understand what you're going through. If you need to talk, you can always message me. Sitting with you in support.

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mrscoon

Im so sorry this happened to you. None of us deserved what happened to us. It isn't your fault if you need someone to talk to im here for you. Message me and I will be your listening ear.

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