I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am so tired of fighting.. of trying... I'm scared... lonely... whatever.

Anyway... My husband and I haven't been to therapy for the past three weeks... which... sucked. Terribly. Horribly. And, last week, we went on a family vacation with my family - extended and immediate. That was..... amazing.. but also terrifying and almost... like... defeating...

So... while we were on vacation... my husband (accidentally) found some exchanges I've had... that basically amount to cheating. Needless to say he was crushed, angry.... and... in a way it was... I don't keep secrets from him... I've always tried to be honest and forthcoming with him... and... I've also felt like I've been TRYING to communicate (albeit terribly... and in ways that he didn't understand...) It led to a greater conversation about how unhappy I have been in our marriage... that a lot of it has to do with sex... sexual attention... and how that equates to his wanting to be with me - cherishing me... It's obviously not just that. I have also been feeling like I haven't been seen... been put first... been supported in my relationship... I know that I have also contributed to this - and I'm willing to try to do something different... but I honestly hadn't felt like he desired me and wanted to be with me... he said the words...but his actions made me feel differently...

At therapy yesterday... he finally heard me. I know that I'm not being fair to him... I'm asking him to do things that make him incredibly uncomfortable and push him past limits he didn't know he had... never dreamed of crossing... but.... I am realizing... through people we have encountered (this foursome who were poly), then my abuser coming back into my life... on top of feeling more and more isolated and lost in my marriage.... He heard.

He's been trying. He's been very attentive... sexually... even though he maintains that he won't be able to do this all the time (and I get that... sometimes I really am just tired...) but... he's been touching me (hugs, cuddles, soothing touch) the way I need.

He has asked me to tell him about what I need... which... I had been doing.. but had gotten tired of him shooting me down immediately (either with "that's just not me" or "I never want that kind of relationship") and am at the end of my rope... I'm so weary of trying...

So... I've been trying to be completely transparent. I told him that I'm struggling with monogamy.. that part of what I'm craving is that sexual attention from men... all men. I... it's wonderful to get it from my spouse... I've been missing that.

Hold the phone... no jumping to conclusions... So... first, I need to get my depression under control... and... if my husband keeps giving me the sexual attention that he has been... it doesn't have to be this constant... but... it needs to be fairly constant...

The other thing is... I know I need to explore some of these sexual things... and.... I know he's trying to be with me... and I'm going to be honest with him... even if it means he comes to a line that he won't cross... that... I feel compelled to cross... I mean... If there is one thing I know... it's that I don't mess around... I do things... I try to do them fully, or at least try... to be fair and honest. So... I'm telling him that I'm struggling... that it's a daily occurrence... that it stems from before the abuse around my parent's divorce... that... it is me... it has been me... and.... I'm scared he's going to get tired of going down this rabbit hole... But... I'm trying to be honest with him... and he's never been anything but good.. He didn't... he wasn't giving me what I needed... but he NEVER hurt me. Never on purpose. He is a good man. So... I feel better knowing that he KNOWS what is going on... what is "at stake" so to speak... and.... that I need more... I need... "taboo" and "unconventional" things...

I don't know how we're going to do that... I don't know if he will be able to.... but... it feels strangely... like we're closer than ever.

Sometimes I don't understand life... because... even when I know that he and I are BOTH trying to work through this... to figure this out... I still feel like crying.... sad... like... hopeless...

Depression.. I'm sure.

Anyway... today we've been sexting... and we're going on a date.. going to do some things that we've never done before... It's exciting... thrilling... scary... to be this way with him... after I've felt so invisible for so long.