So... I've had two therapy sessions...
The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage.
This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations.
1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse...
I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through sex. There is nothing else in my core....
It makes me sad... but it's more like... an absence of emotion... I never knew that girl... so how can I miss her?
2) Sexual attention. We talked about the growing frequency of my consumption of erotic literature, masturbating, and creating my own erotic illustrations and stories... Like... when I first met my hubby, even though he wasn't giving me the TYPE of sexual attention I wanted... we did it so frequently that it didn't matter... I was still getting fulfilled.
Then... it tapered... and I started masturbating more. Then it tapered more... and I started drawing erotic pictures.... Until now I feel like that is all I think about.
She asked if that was enough, and I said no. It's not just coming, having an orgasm... it's about feeling connected sexually to another person. She asked if I had told this to my husband... and I have... but not so.... bluntly. She said I need to.
And I was like... yeah, but who wants to go home and be like... C'mon, let's have an open marriage.
Sigh... She's right.
But it's so scary... especially after I have tried to delicately bring this up to him before... and his response is "I'm not that person", "I never wanted an open marriage", "I am monogamous".... basically drawing a very definite line in the sand... so I am scared to broach it again with him.
Not sure what's going on in my life.....