Extreme content - mind rambles and just trying to work through this.

Mother fucking fuck.

I don't understand why these... memories... this.. .this fucking life altering moment when P fucking fuck face made me his. Sick, made me HIS??!?! I don't understand why these memories have now made me have to realize that I'm.... what.. what? So fucking preoccupied by sex and men sexualizing me? It breaks my heart typing those words.

It breaks my heart because who the FUCK takes this shit and uses it in a way that is so.... misunderstood.

My mom always used to tell me that she'd slap me if she found out I was having sex before marriage. Ha. hahaha. Sorry that I was not only having sex by age 15, but with multiple partners - unsafe sex I might add, until I met my G. At age 18.

Anyway, why any of that matters, who the fuck knows.

Why does this shit just open up another Pandora's box full of sexual desires and utter wanton fantasies that... yes, I knew I had them... but I didn't want to become consumed by them. I feel like I'm being consumed by them.

I feel ever the more shameful about being... sexually excited by these things, these interactions... I'm trying so hard to be truthful and open through this healing process with my husband... but I don't know that he wants to deal with this shit... or if he can.

Fuck this fuck that fuck everything.