So ive never done this before..wrote down any of the things that i have been through..and im scared to start to be honest...

But im going to take a leap of faith and share one of the.... well one of many of my stories...

So my first memory of csa i would have to guess im about three years old.. [My memory of my child hood prior to being 13 is very sketchy and very out of place so im bad with time lines of my own life...] I was forced to go with my father for a month in the summer, I never wanted to go up there and for the longest time i couldnt remember why i hated visiting him so much...

He lived in IL at this time and i remember the layout of the house the most.. I was put in the basement to sleep, and even though it was concrete floors i didnt really mind because it had a pretty view from the sliding doors out to the hill side.. I did find it funny that i slept down there because it was the washer room and pantry area it wasnt really a bedroom. It just had a bed on the floor for me and that was it.

Well one night i remember my father coming down there and laying in the bed with me.. at the time i didnt think anything was wrong because he was m dad and dads do that right? well i was wrong...

This part might be to graphic for some but i feel if im not it will just continue to eat me up

He started to whisper in my ear, and to be honest i dont remember what..

but then he started to rub my b**t through my panties.. and i found this strange but for some reason i couldnt tell him to stop.. i remember him putting his hands in my panties and start to move his fonger in circle around my b hole and i remember feeling really scared.. but not sure why i felt scared, as far as i can remember this had never happen before yet i knr=ew to be scared.. he then procceded to insert his finger in dry and when i started to scream and squirm he hit me in the head and covered my mouth with his other hand and told me if i wasnt a good girl it would be much much worse...

He did this for days.. every night coming down and fingering me from behind... then one night i guess it wasnt enough because he gagged me with something and forced me into the doggie position and tied my legs to some kind of stick or something to make it so i couldnt pull my legs together.... i remember him telling me to stay relaxed or it would only hurt me..well i guess i didnt stay relaxed because when his packaged entered me i felt like i was going to die..i remember the pain the most and not much of anything else till im in the shower.... i dont know if he put me there or if i walked there myself... but it was one of those really big stand up showers with the natural looking rock work..

i was laying on my side on the floor just staring at the water go down the drain.. i remember thinking how odd it was that the water was red [which i now know to be blood from where my father had sodomized me]

i didnt remember this till i was almost 18..and sometimes i really wish i wouldnt remember it at all... What scares me more is that im scared about what all else my brain is hiding from me...

Source: One Of A Few.....