Why Do I Miss Him Sometimes?
Entry posted by Yarnable in Why is Family so Hard? ·
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I went no contact with my abuser, my biological father, back in 2020. Lockdown was awful in many ways, but being forced to sit with myself and think back on my life and relationships with my family is pretty much what triggered the memories of csa from my bio father.
My relationship with him was already really rocky, and I hadn't actually seen him face-to-face since 2011, shortly before my mom divorced him for a myriad of reasons, the biggest one at the time being his alcoholism. His abuse towards me did not come to light until years later, and I was already limited contact with him out of sheer frustration. As I got older, I got more and more angry with him and didn't really understand why, and was also trying very hard to pretend that I was not terrified of him. At the time, I had no concrete reason for the depth of my fear, so I think it mutated into a deep resentment that only worsened anytime he disappointed my siblings or myself. I hate to admit that the very worst examples of times I have lost my temper to an alarming degree were linked directly to him. I broke a window once and still have small scars as a reminder on each hand.
I was never close with him, would never consider myself a daddies girl or anything even near that description. Like any child, I did desperately want his approval and attention, but also learned very early on that he was not a stable person. I had to learn to tell if he was drunk, which was nearly all the time, the man could not function without alcohol and I'm honestly not sure how often I saw him truly sober. He was not a consistent drunk, either. He could be stupid and giggly, or sleep like he was in a coma, or he could get mean. He wasn't usually violent, mostly just loud and angry, but I do know that a few of my weird "unexplained" childhood injuries were because of him. I don't think he did anything to my siblings, but I would get in the way or distract them away from him, so he may have tried and I managed to stop it or took it myself.
Long story short, we did not get along.
I do not like him. He is a selfish, boorish, slob of a man who absolutely sucked at being a parent and foisted most of his parental duties onto me while threatening me into staying silent about his abuse. He hid behind my grandmother when I finally told people about what he did, and she threatened to sue me for speaking up against him. I found out not too long ago that she admitted to my sister that she believed that I had indeed been abused, just not by him. He's a coward and I don't want or need him in my life. My husband agrees wholeheartedly. He will never come near our future kids and I will fight like a demon to keep him away if I have to.
So why the heck do I miss him sometimes?
Logically, I do understand that part of me is grieving the loss of what I wanted in a parent. I would have liked to have someone I call "dad" with the fondness my husband has for his. My FIL is wonderful, and I am trying to figure out my relationship with him even as my heart aches for the dad I never really had. Of course I get sad or wistful when I think about the fact that my kids will not have a "Grandpa Bio-dad".
But tonight, I was cleaning up after dinner. I had made homemade spaghetti sauce, something my FIL taught me, and a dish I am very proud of. I learned the basics from my FIL, and tweaked it into something very personal that both my husband and I love. I was putting the leftovers away, and the smell washed over me as I did so. I use a lot of fennel seeds in my sauce, so it's a very specific smell.
And I was suddenly thinking about making it for....him....
Showing off my cooking skills, sharing a meal, and making up for lost time. It hit so strong and so sudden that I felt my body rock back with the force of it. Almost instantly after, I felt a bit sick. Almost like heartburn but at the back of my throat. I felt panicked, and my vision went fuzzy for a moment. I wanted to take my head off and shake it like an etch-a-sketch, so I could erase that momentary feeling of warmth and the very vague fondness that wormed it's way up from the depths.
I don't ever want him near me again. I don't want to see his face, hear his voice, feel his presence behind me, nothing. I tell people he's dead if they can't take the hint that I don't want to talk about him. I would rather walk through lava than spend time with him.
So what the heck was that? Where did that come from?
Why do I miss someone who hurt me so badly?
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