A letter to a person from my past.
Entry posted by sk8er in Heart thoughts ·
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The thing Is that, I know you'll have days where you regret your decision to leave me, and hell, I'll even have days where I regret accepting that decision...but the fact Is, I had to...and I did.
At the time, I hoped you'd known what that decision would really intake, and If I tried to guess, I don't think you've really felt the weight of It...and maybe you won't really feel It only after a few years In the future, but that would be another guess...
I don't think you expected me to disappear so quickly after hearing those words...but I want you to know that I didn't do It out of cruelty or revenge, but to avoid saying something really mean that I couldn't take back anymore. And although we still both said things out of anger, I felt as though mine could've been much worse and I had to stop myself from saying something really hurtful.
Whenever I've heard those words In the past, which I have many times, I understand quickly that I have to remove myself from that situation. And we could cry and prolongue It as much as we want but I know those decisions don't change. When It's over, It's over, and I don't like to waste time on leaving In general.
I know you know, you were wrong In many things. Even after weeks of breaking-up, with a clear mind, I could still say that you were wrong, and not about the decision, but about the way you treated me...about the way you've always treated me. And somehow, In my heart, I always had the patience to love you...again, and again, no matter how many times you'd put me down, I wanted It to be you. I wasn't shy to tell you I wanted It to be you.
I think I truly, truly loved you, because, even after your worst behaviour with me I still wanted you, I still wanted to fix things. And you promised me so many things, a really beautiful future...your loyalty to me, your love, your time, just you...and when you gave up on me, I felt betrayed. Even more so, when you were the one to make that decision, as If you had any right with the way you used to treat me...but again, the fact Is, that you do still have that right, even In those circumstances, but It just doesn't feel fair....and the part that disappoints me the most Is not that you weren't fair to me...It's that I wasnt fair to myself. I allowed you to treat me like that, I let myself go through that, putting your person before mine....that's what Im maddest about the most....the amount of effort I Invested In someone that was ready to throw that away the second I spoke for myself. What does that say about your love for me?....
I gotta say, I've been questioning a lot lately If the problem really was the love...the amount of It?...the type of It?. Because dealing with any other problem didn't matter to me, as long as It wasn't about love...because I don't think a lot can be solved If the most Important feeling Isn't there...or very little of It....or an Immature version of It....or whatever the type of love It was.....
I think I can confidently say (from the experiences we shared and what I've felt of them) that you truly cared about me most times, and maybe even love me a little bit...but I don't think I'll ever know If It was always genuine, and not knowing used to drive me crazy the first few weeks after the break-up, until I realized It wasn't my job to know that, and It's something I might never know. It will remain unanswered, just how It's supposed to be.
And I always hated the fact that I was too aware that there was something off about the way you "loved" me. I tried questioning It for a while when we were dating to see If I could get some answers, I tried putting you to the test sometimes (which all failed by the way)...but the reality Is that I did all of that because I was Insecure about something that I constantly witnessed within you that I knew I couldn't change....your lack of motivation towards me, your lack of care, your lack of empathy...I justified It as a "character flaw", when In reality I just didn't want to face the fact that maybe, you didn't love me as much...
At the time, even considering It was too painful for me to accept for the many years that we were together on and off.
I always defended you, excused your behavior as simple "immaturity"....or "avoidence"...
But when you gave up on me this time, It all finally clicked, and I had to face the music I've always avoided. I had to access a place In my mind that I'd locked away for a really long time.
And at the end of the day you were right about your decision. You're not supposed to be my person If you don't choose me....although If you were never gonna choose me, I definietly think you could've at least skipped the whole "playing with my feelings" and "make me hopeful" for no reason....but as many people In the dating pool, I don't think you knew until you knew....or maybe, you eventually had to face the music the same way I did.
You can't come back even If you wanted to because you're blocked on everything, although I doubt you'd even want to. And I'll move on, and you'll move on until there's nothing left but a faded memory of who we used to be, and that's okay.
I somewhat still thank you for the good times, and I don't regret the love I gave because It came from me, and there's nothing more genuine than that...though I don't know If you can say the same, but those are not my demons to deal with.
I know I'll be okay because I know I gave every bit of myself towards the relationship, and I'm not ashamed of that, nor I ever will be.
I thank you again, for letting me go, because now I can restart my life with someone new. For making me see that there's so much light and hope for my future.
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