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Sisterhood Lost?

Yarnable

Entry posted by Yarnable in Why is Family so Hard? ·

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Around 2 months ago, my husband and I had to make the very hard decision to have our pug put to sleep. He was quite old, around 16 years, and had pretty advanced dementia. He would get lost going from one room to another, and then start screeching because he couldn't find me. He didn't really want to be held or cuddled, and he tried to bite me once after I stopped him from trying to eat trash in the parking lot of our apartment. He was constantly confused and the only time he really seemed happy was the few minutes he was eating, and even then we had to be really careful because he tried on multiple occasions before he even came to live with us to swallow things whole - he more than once passed out after trying to swallow a carrot whole.....

He was miserable and our vet agreed it was time. We had tried putting him on anxiety meds, and all they really seemed to do was make him sleepy. I tried sticking to a careful routine, made sure not to walk him too much, and did my best to give him attention when he wanted it. This all stopped working. On walks, I had to constantly be on alert because he would try to leap into the road at random, and he couldn't hear cars coming so that was really scary. I had him dangling from his harness once because he jumped out in front of an oncoming truck and I had to yank him back with all my might so he didn't get hit. I was exhausted and stressed and felt really bad seeing him deteriorate. He was my mom's dog, but once she retired we took him in because she was moving and couldn't take him with. 

My older sister stopped talking me after he passed. She yelled at me in our family chat right after coming home from the vet without him because I didn't consult with her first and let her make the decision herself. I didn't think this was fair as she lives in another country and I wasn't going to keep him suffering because she wanted control. She ignores me if I DM her, completely skipped my birthday earlier this month, and only started to sort of respond to me in the family chat after I badgered her for a few days because I had money for her - I know, I know..... Before this all went down I agreed to sell some stuff she made at my booth at the farmers market I attend. I am not petty enough to keep that money from her. She now doesn't outright ignore me in the family chat, but she won't outright address me either. Our younger sister has noticed, but doesn't want to get involved because she has also faced some amount of wrath from the oldest. 

I tried yesterday, after leaving her alone for over a month, to engage her in our FB DMs again. Nothing. The last 3 messages in that chat are all from me. Not a single response from her. We used to be really close. She's always been a bit bossy, but as the oldest I think that's normal, for the most part. I don't know why she's letting this be what ends our sisterhood. I've confided so much in her over the years, telling her things before I told anyone else. I've given her advice, talked her through a difficult period with a friend, and tried to help her when she's been stuck at an airport by hacking into our mom's email for info (mom was at work and couldn't do anything).

But over the last few years, she's shown a few times that we're not as close as I thought we were. She refused to call my at-the-time fiancé by his name, instead referring to him as "some rando", until I had to threaten not to talk to her anymore. She informed me after meeting him, a very sweet, stand up guy, that she just assumed he would be some jerk of a guy. I never said anything about him that would lead her to believe that, and he's the only person I ever dated seriously. I don't have a history of dating jerks, she just decided he was one for some reason beyond either of us. Looking back, she also has a history of belittling me in weird ways. I would mention some little piece of trivia, and she would immediately try to tell me I was wrong and didn't know what I was talking about. She would be a bit sullen when I proved her wrong.                                              If I brought up a show, movie, or book that I liked and thought she would like as well, she would brush me off and say it sounded dumb. Then a few months later, would "discover" said show, movie, or book and be upset at me for "not telling her about it if I was watching/reading it already". This happened so often I just gave up trying to introduce her to things, and would just talk about it with her when she eventually stumbled on it herself. 

I don't know if I'm ever going to be on good terms with her again. I don't really know what that would look anymore, it's pretty clear that no matter what, our previous relationship is dying or has already died. It makes me so sad that yet another family member seems to be drifting out of reach. Because of the abuse from my biological father, I had to cut out or was cut off by a huge portion of my paternal family. I am on good terms with my mom's side, but her side is significantly smaller. I have had to put up boundaries with my mom and siblings, and now I might be losing my older sister entirely and I can't fix it. 

It's so hard right now. I value family deeply, and mine is crumbling apart at the seams. 

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awi

Dear Yarn. So sorry what you went through and that it feels not great right now. Family relationships can be complicated.  Your sister was wrong in how she treated you because of the dog situation. You did what you knew was the best with all the information at hand at that moment. It is quite typical when one person doesn't take responsibility and the  turned into judge and supervisor of others. It doesn't work that way.  You have done nothing wrong. In my experience when I have to put a pet down I always ask why did I and why didn't I. You do the best you can and it is all with love and care. The situation with your sister has nothing to do with the dog. It is her issue or issues she needs to deal with herself.. we don't need to be friends with our siblings to be siblings. Being decent and respectful and showing up if possible when needed is good enough. When siblings are toxic it is a gift not to have them near us. They can play out their feelings at a different destination.  I have a little family drama going on also at my end. I am always happy to dodge a bullet. 
please be gentle with you.  Sitting with you 

Edited by awi
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Yarnable

@awi

Thanks for saying that. I don't regret putting him to sleep, it was very clearly time and he went far faster than even the vet expected. He was ready but needed help. I'm trying to come to terms with what you said, that we don't need to be friends with our siblings to be siblings. I think you are right on that. It reminds of something I heard a while ago, that you can love someone even if you don't like the choices they make or the person they are choosing to be at the moment. I think I'm still getting used to not being "perfect" at family relations, AKA shutting down my wants and needs to keep the peace. It's a work in progress, and I'm trying to get better at not being a doormat. 

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awi

Hi Yarn.  You are so right that we love people even if you don't like the choices they make.  Not even if they are terrible.  I know I have been there and wish even family enemies the best in life. You are a really good person.  I am sorry you have been not treated well.

Sitting with you friend

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