Love & Loss, Trying to Learn to Grieve
Entry posted by Yarnable in Sad, but Coping ·
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My little brother passed away two years ago today. He was only 15, a few months from his 16th birthday. He would be turning 18 this year.
All day, I have been quietly distracting myself. I didn't realize this until I had to ask my husband for help because I was making plum syrup out of the tiny little plums that grow in our parking lot (Don't worry, I researched the variety of plum when we moved to this apartment and I confirmed that they are safe to eat. They are very small, about the size of grapes, so I can't pit them in the traditional way, hence squeezing them), and while I was squeezing the pit out of one of them, I squirted plum juice directly into my eye and needed his help getting a paper towel because my hands were covered in plum pulp and I couldn't see. He came to my aid and while I was fixing my eye, he asked what smelled so nice in the kitchen. I had the pot for the syrup set up on the stove, and it was already full of pitted plums, but there was no heat and no smell yet.
It was as I finished cleaning my face that it hit me that I was putting my feelings into cooking - the syrup of course, but also the giant batch of oat and banana dog treats I had in the oven for our dog. Our pup has a collection of allergies and I make his treats now because they are cleaner and don't have all the filler crap that store bought treats often contain. I basically got up this morning, the date heavy in my mind, and almost immediately started aggressively cleaning the kitchen, which reminded me that I had overripe bananas about to go bad. So I started making dog treats. Then as I got those in the oven I remembered the harvest of plums in the fridge and just yanked them out and got going on the syrup.
Now that I am waiting for both to cool enough to finish working on, I have time to sit and think. I have been working with my T on accepting that there is no "correct" way to grieve. There is no timeline, no waypoints, no set finish line. I have been trying to to sit with feelings when I previously would have squished them down until I had a panic attack and a nasty breakdown. I don't force myself to "function" on bad days. I am honest when people genuinely ask if I am ok. Usually the answer is no.
I miss my brother.
I saw a Spiderman backpack at the store the other day and burst into tears. He adored Spiderman.
We loaded a bunch of music into our car when we got it, and I included several Disney soundtracks. Every time I've been in the car lately something from Mary Poppins has played. My brother loved Mary Poppins.
I can sense his spirit near me this week.
I wish he was here.
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