Bye, Mel.
Hi, friends! So, it's been a while.
My fault, as always. I will not apologize for not writing, but rather, allow myself a little bit of grace.
It's true that someone who spends a lot of time writing goes through patches where words elude them; where there's a lot to say but simply no motivation to sit down and to allow the thoughts to flow. I can't tell you how many times I've considered sitting here and unloading a bit - it's happened several times because this year is kind of a big one. We are approaching thirty years since my more memorable trauma, and I fully intended to do some reflecting. But then the laptop gets snapped shut and as quickly as the idea came into my head, it's flown back out. So, instead of apologizing for not writing, I will put myself in the shoes of others who blog - be it passionately or sporadically - and say I TOTALLY get it when there's just no desire to write.
I think that's kinda where I've been over the last several months, though. We are now approaching the end-of-summer/back-to-school season and this means that the thirty-year traumaversary is fast approaching. This, though, is not what today's entry is about. No, I think there's something else that I need to offload before I get into that.
So....I'll begin.
My wife's father is about to die.
Let me give a little bit of background on him. I met him nearly eighteen years ago when she and I began dating. He was initially pleasant - although he and her mother were born-again Christians, they were respectful. It took her a while to come out to them; she was coming out of a bad relationship with a man and I was newly divorced (also from a husband) with a couple of cute kids. We started out as friends - neither one of us was looking for anything more, but the friendship eventually blossomed into something much more than we both anticipated. My family was always supportive - it was a little bit awkward for some of them in the beginning, but for the most part, they have grown to love and accept my wife - for sure more than they loved my ex-husband.
Her family is a bit different. She grew up going to their church - and was always fearful of their teachings. Safe to say she never truly bought into any of their beliefs, and kind of went her own way as soon as she became an adult. She has four sisters - three of whom were accepting and fine with our relationship and supportive. One sister belongs to the same church as their parents, and their church very openly chastises our lifestyle, and the LGBTQ+ lifestyle in general - and says it is sinful, and that we are going straight to Hell. I think he put it differently, though - and said that we had to answer to 'Him' when the time came - and that was all he said about it when he found out about our relationship. So, for several years, my wife and I (we did not marry until 2022) walked around eggshells whenever we were in their company. We were respectful in their home, I did not show affection or hold her hand or kiss her while in their company. I knew it made them uncomfortable, so we were not overt or obvious and we were discreet. When I asked my wife to marry me, I also asked her mother for her blessing. Her mother said she couldn't give it to me; and said she was not comfortable with it. She also promised we would talk about it at another time, but that time never presented.
COVID-19 took her Mom in 2021. My wife was devastated.
Not even a few weeks after her Mom's passing, my wife's father told all of his daughters that it was his mission to make sure they 'all were right with God' and that all of them were on the right path, so that they would all be together again in Heaven. Apparently in their faith, the only way to reunite with your loved ones in God's kingdom is to be 'saved.' You must be on the right path, you must be free of sin. Four out of his five daughters are straight, so this immediately made my wife cringe.
He had my wife go for a drive with him, and my wife, with no reason to suspect anything would happen, went with her Dad willingly. He pulled over in a park, turned the car off and told her that she needed to pray with him. He physically forced her, a forty year old woman, to pray for God to show her the 'correct' path - which included leaving me and our kids behind and moving back to her hometown and marrying a God-fearing man. He told her that she'd never see her Mom again, she'd never see him or the rest of the family again, she was a sinner....there was more, but I think the both of us have, by now, made it a point to block out.
My wife left the same night and came home. She shook for the entire car ride home. She told me what happened immediately. The next day, she texted that she was checking herself into a hospital because she was so heavily traumatized over this event. She wasn't afraid of hurting herself, but was having trouble dealing with this, on top of the grief of her mother's death. She was in the hospital for over a week. When she was released, she started seeing a therapist regularly.
Her father did this. That son-of-a-bitch.
She has not forgiven him. She has, however, seen him a few times since that happened. She is no longer comfortable around him. She has called him for his birthday, for Father's Day. The calls are never any more than two minutes long; he never seems to want to talk to her and is always rushing off the phone. We come to find out that he had a conversation with her uncle over her uncle's gay son. My wife's father allegedly told his brother-in-law that he should 'cut ties' with his son if he's intent on living a life of sin.
Is that what he's doing to my wife, then? He's cut her off? He'll keep it short and simple, but because her interests aren't aligned with his? My wife was glad to hear that her uncle had told her father to go fuck himself, basically, and that he still remains in contact with his son. In fact, when we got married in 2022, we invited her uncle to the wedding, and he couldn't be happier for us. Her father and the one church-going sister were not present. This was my wife's decision - and one I respected. My wife's nephew stepped up and walked her down the aisle. Although our wedding was a beautiful event and the people who mattered the most to us were all there, I can tell there was a sadness hanging over my wife, and that she still longed for her Dad's approval and acceptance. It is something she knew she never was going to have, and she felt that when her mom passed away, she had lost both of them. It still breaks my heart that the woman I love harbors this pain and there's nothing I can do to touch it.
She still has a hard time thinking about him, a hard time hearing about him. She's accepted that they are not going to have a relationship and the years have gone by with minimal, VERY casual (and awkward) contact. We keep in touch with the sisters who are supportive, and she does not communicate with her father or the sister who lives with him. They make no effort to stay in touch with her, either. She's chalked it up to, 'it is what it is,' and I know deep down this hurts her - but it is not something we can fix.
Now, about three months ago, she received a call from one of her sisters saying that he has not been well for a long time. He was in the hospital having tests run. The result of those tests revealed stage IV lung cancer.
Feelings have surfaced for my wife. I guess, for me, too - but more so for her. Not surprising, since this is her father, this is the man she idolized while growing up, this is the man who taught her to drive a car, this is the man who disciplined her, taught her to build things, the man who once told her that she was his favorite of the five daughters he had. This is also the man who did many years' worth of psychological damage and caused her to have a full-blown mental breakdown requiring hospitalization and prevented her from being able to grieve the loss of her mother properly. How the hell is this the same person??? She restarted therapy to try and combat some of these feelings. She's doing IOP four days a week online. She's doing what she can, and she's got support from me, from therapists, from her friends, from three out of four of her sisters. She has my family, who has been reminding her that they are praying for him out of support for her.
So, her Dad is still physically here at the time I am writing this, but is on his way out. The cancer has progressed aggressively and is ravaging his body. I have not physically seen him since my mother-in-law's funeral. I know he doesn't wish to see me, and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. He doesn't like me, I sure as hell don't like him. I just hate that during a time like this, I don't feel comfortable being at her side. I just feel that given the circumstances, it is best I keep my distance, so I am at home with the dogs. When he passes, I will go to the funeral that follows and offer condolences to the family he built. I will not be 'celebrating' him; it is purely out of respect for my wife and her sisters that I'll be there, because with the exception of the sister who refuses contact with us, I have love and respect for the rest of them.
My wife struggled with going to see him. She went when the news came in of his cancer having metastasized. Her hope was to talk to him and to make some kind of peace with him while he was in the hospital.
That didn't go well. He stood by his original statements and proceeded to compare her to a thief. "You know it's wrong but you do it anyway."
She came home, wept, and said, "I probably won't see him alive again."
I said, "If that's what you want."
Then another call came in on Friday. He'd lost a ton of weight in a short amount of time. He was no longer eating. His oxygen was low. There was a blood clot in his neck. He now has pneumonia on top of the lung cancer. A scan showed his lungs filling with fluid. They put in a chest tube, central line, hooked him up to an IV. They drained about a liter and a half from his lungs. Upon testing the fluid, they found that it's all cancer cells and that the fluid would just keep building up and would have to constantly be drained, so there is now going to be intubation for the rest of this journey. He has now transitioned to hospice care and there is nothing that can be done other than to make him comfortable.
My wife struggled with going again, but decided that she needed to go and say a final goodbye. She has no plans to try and make peace or to ask for acceptance. They are beyond this. Her need right now is for him to know she loves him before he passes.
Again, I said, "If that is what you want to do, I support you."
She packed her bags and drove four hours to her sister's house. She's been there all weekend and has been with her sisters and with him. I spoke to her last a few hours ago and she reports he is still hanging in, although the 'rattle' is present, and they are seeing increased agitation and confusion on his part. He is struggling to breathe, and she knows it won't be long, now.
I like to think of myself as a highly compassionate person who doesn't wish ill on anyone, especially someone this important to my wife. I will be fine with never forgiving him for what he's done to her, for all the pain he's caused her, for all the emotional and psychological turmoil he's put her through. I'm not under any obligation to forgive him, so I will not. I know a part of her won't, either, but she needed to do this because she truly does love her Dad and wants to have no regrets after he's gone.
However, a part of me feels bad. And this is going to sound REALLY fucking stupid....
But I feel partially responsible for the rift in their relationship. Guilty almost, for these issues she has with him.
See, if I hadn't come into my wife's life, they wouldn't be having this problem. Or would they? Maybe she would have met someone else? But then again, maybe not?
I mean, I know it's not my fault that her parents scared her with all these church teachings when she was a small child. That, I had nothing to do with and can sincerely say was all their doing. She never believed the same things they did. It's unlikely she'd be a member of their church today, even if she hadn't met me. I know that if the tables were turned, I'd be saying, 'don't be ridiculous - you are not to blame for other peoples' inability to adapt, or to accept their children as they are.' Because honestly? Gay, straight, trans, bisexual, non-binary, I don't give a shit - bottom line - it's still my child and I still love and accept them for who they are. No questions asked. He is unable to do that, and that's not my fault. I KNOW this, it's just the nagging, sad feeling I have right now.
I just also know that this man is about to die, loving his daughter and despising me and what I represented.....and I hate that. I hate that he saw me as someone who took his daughter from him - even though she was a grown ass woman, capable of making her own choices. I hate that I don't have anything nice to say about him - except maybe he did something right when raising my wife because she turned out to be one of the most amazing, kind, sweet people I know. I doubt he had much to do with this, though - she's NOTHING like him, sans a few facial features.
I do wish this was a different ending for my wife and her Dad and was one that brought her comfort and closure and I know that it won't be. The road ahead, I anticipate, will be a tough one.
She will be dealing with a lot of feelings - more so after he is gone, and there is nothing to 'silence' her. He is no longer here to tell her she's 'wrong.' She has said she's felt numb for a long time - and I'm expecting that the floodgates will open when his cruel heart stops.
*sigh*
I just don't know, friends. I'm not sure how to navigate these feelings. The words that were swirling earlier have slowed, and there's a bit less up in my brain, so at least that's something. I know the next step is to hit 'submit,' and share all this with you all.
I guess there is one more thing I want to say before I go - a little goodbye of my own to my father-in-law.
Goodbye, Mel*. At one time, I did like you. I admired your ability to build, to use your hands to craft and fix things. It's a shame you weren't willing to use your heart to fix your relationship with your child. If you truly love your children, then there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING, that should stand in your way of providing them support, love and comfort when they ask you for it. Once I saw how ugly you were capable of being, I knew exactly what I would never do. I will never treat my children the way you treated your daughter, and you can be damn sure I'm going to treat your daughter with far more kindness and respect than you ever cared to. It's too damn bad you never cared to know her for the person she truly was. You would have been proud. If not, perhaps the problem was truly you all along. Rest in peace, and hopefully she can soon find her own now that you are no longer here to tell her what she is doing incorrectly. She deserved better.
* His name isn't Mel. It's been changed to protect his and my wife's privacy.
If those of you who pray would kindly keep my wife in your thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. 
My best to you all!
- Cappy
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