Anniversary
Entry posted by LenaCs in Complicated feelings ·
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I've been staying away from AS for a few months now. Not because of the site itself. This community has probably saved my life in more than one occasion, especially in the early days when I was left to pick up the pieces by myself after the assault. But I've been trying to distance myself from what happened. And as helpful as AS has been to me, it kept bringing up feelings and "memories" that I didn't want to relive.
...but I'm here again. Yesterday was the first anniversary of the assault. It's impossible to not think about it on a day like this. June 29th. I think that date will be seared into my memory forever.
This year has been... long. But tbh, I can't remember all of it. It's a weird mix of I know what happened that night, I have all this feelings and triggers and fear and anger, but I don't actually have any real memories of it anymore. Not of that night. Nor of the summer that followed after. I also don't have a lot of memories of the 6 months that I couldn't leave the house and barely left my room—but for that, I think the reason is much more mundane. For those six months, I hardly got out of bed. I simply haven't made any memories that are worth remembering.
Before the incident, I had plans of going to japan to study at a language school... those plans fell through, of course.
There have been plenty of times when I didn't think I would make it to today. I didn't see the point of living with this weight that I would never be able to leave behind.
But now that this year is over... I think I'm finally doing better. Japan fell through, but I applied to university in Ireland. If all goes well, I'll finally be able to leave this island in September. When that happens... I can finally be free. I won't have to worry about running into that monster every time I leave the house. I won't be surrounded by people who look like him, sound like him, speak his language, know his family, share his culture. I can finally go back to where I grew up and where most of my happy memories are from.
And I really have been doing better. I think... after a very dark year, I'm finally ready to start living my life again.
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