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Words

A blog by LenaCs in General

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What a shitty night

LenaCs

Entry posted by LenaCs in Complicated feelings ·

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I'm sorry, I just need to talk to someone, and since I've got no one to talk to, writing on here is the second best option. 

Now, I realise how dangerous it is to have one singular person as your whole support system. Even more so if you're not on equal footing. For over six months now since the incident happened, my mom has become my support system. Not that she's perfect by all means—but she's the best I've got. Yeah, I have a therapist. She's great. I've literally had a session yesterday. But without any friends, I've come to heavily rely on my mom. But that also means, every time we have a disagreement/fight, I'm left with no one. 

I thought I've been doing better, I really did. I was able to leave the house, take walks even. But tonight I was closer than I ever have been before to ending it all. And that's a lot to say after 5 years of depression. I was sitting on the edge of the cliff, not even 30cm from the ledge. I was so close to stepping off. I was shaking and crying and my legs refused to move—neither forward nor back. I don't know if it was the panic or the cold. After about 1.5 hours of going back and forth between wanting to jum and no (though realistically I was unable to do neither tbh), I did something that I've never done before and called 024 (spain's suicide prevention hotline). I don't know what I expected. Surely not some spanish woman being mad at me for just crying and not saying anything comprehensible 😅. But I guess she did her job right because I'm not on the cliff anymore. 

Still, tonight, I just wanted it all to end. This endless fighting with my own demons, the memories, the loneliness, the isolation. All of it. I just wanted out. But in the end even if I wanted to jump, my legs refused (though they also refused to step back. I had to crawl away from the edge, as ridiculous as that sounds). 

It's kinda stupid seeing it all written down. I apologised profusely to the suicide hotline lady for bothering her, and now I guess I'm gonna be apologising to you guys for writing this all down here. 

I guess... it kinda feels like I'm in shock. I just feel tired. And numb. And cold. Very cold. It's just... I thought I was doing better than this. But that's the dangerous thing about relying on only one person as your whole support system—when they take away that support, you're left with nothing. I know I should change that, but I don't have anyone else.

Aaaand now I'm cringing. Sorry. I really didn't want to turn this into a pity party or anything. It's just... tonight has been a really shitty night.

4 Comments

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demuso

Sorry you’ve had a hard night. We’re glad you’re here. It’s good you’ve been able to reach out. Please don’t apologise, we’re here to listen and support you. Healing isn’t a straightforward journey. It’s ok to have setbacks.

sending safe hugs if ok and sitting with you

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LenaCs
10 hours ago, demuso said:

Sorry you’ve had a hard night. We’re glad you’re here. It’s good you’ve been able to reach out. Please don’t apologise, we’re here to listen and support you. Healing isn’t a straightforward journey. It’s ok to have setbacks.

sending safe hugs if ok and sitting with you

Thank you @demuso. I honestly feel so guilty for writing this and posting it here. But I just... I haven't been in such a bad place mentally for a some time—actually I've never been as close to actually stepping off as last night. I guess I just feel very alone rn... sorry, I'm rambling. 

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demuso

Sorry you’ve been struggling, are there any therapy services available? We’re glad you’re still here. You’re never alone at AS. We’re here to listen. 

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awi

awi

Posted (edited)

@LenaCs sitting with you friend.  Sorry it is tough right now.  I can relate to your words.  Sometimes stuff seems bigger than the capacity we have to cope.  Mostly these are feelings and manageable.  So glad you are here brave Lena.  Things will get better.  Keeping you company during this time.  Please keep writing.

Another thing you can always do, besides here, write to RAINN on line.  They are great. No matter where you are in the world.  I wrote to them in the past to chat also with the Samaritans (emails) from the UK.  There are people that will listen out there.  Good does exist in the world and we move forward together.  Know that you are not alone.  Many people on here can relate to your words.  

Hugs if k

Edited by awi
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