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November Community Collaboration--This month's theme is: "My Survivor Bill of Rights Include..." ×
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To the Blame Inside of Me

selkiespot

Entry posted by selkiespot in reflecting ·

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I don't think you're something I'm ever going to see the end of. I sit in front of these tired memories and find you there, even still.

I can look at fact after fact in my mind:

  • No one is responsible for being victimized.
  • It isn't reasonable to expect that doing something differently would have changed the outcome. They would have done it either way.
  • Doing something "wrong" still doesn't justify someone else perpetuating assault.
  • It isn't reasonable to expect perfection. No one is perfect. Imperfection is natural.
  • Abuse shouldn't have been such a predominant part of my life, regardless of who I was (or am).
  • Making a mistake doesn't justify abuse. Making endless mistakes still does not justify abuse.
  • I shouldn't have had to keep my guard up all the time. 
  • It isn't my fault that my brain kept me from understanding what was happening.
  • It isn't my fault for someone else's inability (or unwillingness) to change.
  • It isn't my fault for wishing things were different.

I apply all of these statements (and more) to the feelings that keep swirling in my head. I scrub at them like dirty dishes, but the grime clings to them regardless. I spend hours scrubbing, cursing, crying, hoping that maybe this time I'll finally get it... Just two more minutes, and then it'll come off.

Until I actually stop and squint through the steam. This dish has been stained for ages now. Scrubbing won't do me any more good. I need to try something else. Soak it in something, maybe. Either way, I need a break. I need to sit down. I need to eat. I need to breathe.

I don't know what to say to you to get you to leave me alone anymore. No matter what I (or others) say, you never really go away. I guess that's alright. It has to be alright, because I have to keep going either way, don't I?

Maybe one day these dishes will be good enough to eat off of. Until then, I guess I'll find something else to use.

Edited by selkiespot
wording

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selkiespot

@PlumSundae I do like that... You have a point, for sure.

Sometimes I feel like my OCD also latches onto "fixing" parts of myself to fit seemingly endless standards. It's hard for me to fully understand that I already am worthy of much of anything, honestly. Thank you for the input... it's much appreciated.

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