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not out of the woods yet

rabbitprotectsme

Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in vents ·

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i'm sorry for taking up this space. i was torn between posting a vent topic so i don't show up as the most recent blog entry, or posting a blog entry so i don't show up as the most recent vent topic. since the difference is basically meaningless, i almost just kept my mouth shut. but i couldn't.

i think i'm in an efb. or just coming out of one.

it was just a good cry first. well "good" isn't the right word. it was a bad cry. that's how it always starts. the kind where every tear is physically painful.

well no, how it usually starts is the spasms. the involuntary ducking and covering, the shaking, the nervous laughter about nothing. then it moves on to thinking about how i wish i could be young and cute and small and not take up space and not get in anyone's way and be someone that anyone cares about or wants to protect. then the physically painful crying. then my pulse shoots up and i start hyperventilating and get overwhelmed with repetitive thoughts of "i can't do this anymore," "i can't keep going like this," "one of these days i'm just gonna give up and die."

and then the last phase is feeling hollow and numb and wishing i could go to sleep and never wake up. that's where i am now. that whole specific cognitive sequence that seems to keep happening, happened again, to the letter, and now i'm at the end of it again.

after writing my dark fanfic and being able to give it a happy ending... and not having any kind of reexperiencing for days afterward... i thought it was over. i kind of let myself believe i'd conquered it for a minute there. which was foolish, because for one thing it didn't actually feel good to think that, which should have been a dead giveaway. if i don't feel done feeling sorry for myself, it probably means i'm not done needing my own sympathy, which is almost certainly because there's still more to get through. fucking duh. and for another thing, my food intake was dropping even lower.

just... wow, i'm sure not any happier to not actually be rid of it than i was to let myself believe it for a minute. i'm so fucking done with this. i don't think i have much left to fight it with. it's about to win.

edit: and now i'm back in the "why am i here, i'm sorry for being alive, please don't hate me." always those words in the end. always in that order. it's like some kind of mantra.

Edited by rabbitprotectsme

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ShyUnicorn

I’m proud of you so thoroughly documenting your behavior patterns and for being able to recognize where you are in the cycle. Speaking from experience, it can be so difficult to accomplish that in the moment. 
 

I realize that does not make anything less painful, however, it is a clear sign of progress. Healing can’t happen without self-awareness. Your awareness of the stages in this cycle is critical and you are doing it!

When you have disengaged from the cycle, take time to recover, to eat and to be gentle with yourself. You deserve that and so much more. 
Here for you @rabbitprotectsme

💜
 

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selkiespot

I'm proud of you for holding on, Rabbit. I feel for you.

Please continue taking up however much space you need. You're deserving of so much. 

I know how difficult it is to believe that things will improve. You are doing do well in moving forward anyway. You've come so far, and I'm so proud of you for that. Please continue reaching out for support whenever and wherever you need. You are indeed worthy of support, and of life. You deserve to heal. 

Sitting with you in this. Wishing you well, as always.

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