Sitting With It
Entry posted by masongator in Room To Grieve My Childhood ·
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I'm currently left with not much to do except stew in my thoughts and emotions. I think I've done enough rotting... for now at least. I have a lot to say. I sat for quite a bit with the realization that I'm not just grieving my dad. I'm simultaneously grieving the fact that I had the possibility of a safe and happy childhood forcibly taken from me by my abusers for reasons I don't even fully know.
Grief, for me, has always been late to arrive. I understand in my dad's case, that I didn't attend the funeral and didn't really grieve him when he died because there was a lot of emotional toxicity and pressure from those around me. For example, when I was trying to talk about how just because I knew it would happen soon and expected it, this was seen as callous even though it was just how I felt, and it turned out to be true. Because of my lack of affectation due to autism combined with this, I was perceived as not caring even though I was agonized inside and even had to keep reminding myself he had in fact died. This is why I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral. Everyone wanted a specific reaction that just was not mine. I was policed and ridiculed constantly for having an unexpected reaction as if I felt nothing. I also realized that when I finally spoke back a few times and insisted my pain was real, I said "I don't think you comprehend that I lost my dad who's been here since I was born". I was one upped. My mom started telling me stories to "prove" she had a more special connection with him, like she lost the only man who protected her from her rapists and the father of her children. Which infuriates me now knowing what she allowed to happen to me, but that's probably its own entry. It was this constant pressure, ironically, that caused me to shove everything further down and hide. The only shelter I had was retreating further into my shell. I can now sit with the fact that I am not just grieving my dad, but his safety, too. Those big bear hugs and warm naps I took against his chest when I was tiny. Because he wasn't just a special protector for one person only to grieve that way. I miss his arm around me and sitting with me for almost an hour some nights because I didn't feel safe, and he wouldn't sleep until he knew I felt secure and loved. He truly was my rock and I deserve space to grieve that fact.
To try and make the connection here, I have to come to terms with grieving the innocent childhood my abusers stole from me. 16 years later and I can finally grieve, when just a few months ago I didn't even understand I had lost that safety that I deserved. I could've had happy memories of playing with my neighbors and siblings and growing up with people who mattered to me. Now I know that these same people put their own pleasure and sick thoughts above a previously happy-go-lucky and curious little kid. They did not value my autonomy and my comfort in my own body when they actively chose to assault, grope and touch me. You had a malleable child who wanted friends and to be loved and your response was to exploit that. Now, with your actions as contributing factors, I'll be 25 in a little over two weeks with not much idea of what it's like to have friends that love you. Having to learn that it's not normal to be scared of your family that everyone says loves you. I don't understand why you decided I deserved to be used as a toy and not be treated as your equal. I don't understand what it's like to have a mother who didn't threaten you with beating you in public only to tell you it was good parenting. One who doesn't scream when she doesn't get her way and threaten her own child over talking about their trauma as real pain. I didn't understand why it was wrong for my mom to black my eye at 14 when I mentally broke and expressed suicidal tendencies. Now I am in the present with the fact that you allowed and approved my sexual abuse, and it leaves me with grief over the love of my body that I lost, over the mother who could've listened and to the time the wounds spent getting deeper instead of anyone offering me any opportunity to heal.
I sit now with new grief over the healthy sex life I was deprived of. I mourn my playful little child self. I miss the love and play and support that you deprived me of. Most of all, it hurts knowing you thought you had the right to treat me this way, and that I must accept that you just don't love me despite the love I once held for you, that I thought you reciprocated. It's not going to help to defang all the pain currently sinking its teeth as far as they'll go into me. Just because it's painful doesn't mean that these emotional beasts are parts of me that deserve less love and acknowledgement. The forgiveness I look for as a Christian is not to say you didn't hurt me and that the assaults and abuse are just forgotten and okay. I seek the forgiveness of myself and the mercy to let go of resentment. Because I cannot allow you to dig your claws in deeper. You are still vile but I will let go of the wrath I feel towards you, because you don't deserve to hurt me without consequences ever again. I will personally place my time towards honoring the healing God has given me and with grace, remove you as the thorns in my side you are. No amount of fighting you will heal me. I can still sit with my pain and nurse it without letting you worm your way into my psyche again. I'm not pretending pain is gone. I am here, I am still alive and I choose to let my pain guide me to finding healing and people who actually love me, and to keep you from stealing from me any more of my self love and safety. I choose to nurture and acknowledge the grief you have caused me and to allow it its time to hurt. I will remove you from my life with time and faith, and I will be joyful in my recovery.
Edited by masongator
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