To the Hungry Mouth
Entry posted by selkiespot in gratitude ·
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It's been difficult to find you again. After getting sick, and getting so caught up in my own head about getting better, I feel like I've lost a lot of myself. At least I'm still here to pick up the pieces. After all that's happened, I know that those pieces don't really go away.
There are a lot of lies that I think I internalized about you. About us. Every time that you gagged when just trying to eat dinner - something well outside of your own control - and were met with anger. Frustration. Violence. Rage. When the most patience your struggle was allowed would be a bitter "Okay, fine. You're just being difficult. If you're really not hungry, just go to bed then."
I know you were hungry. I think they probably did, too. Even a kid that ate lunch would've been hungry. And I know that you didn't eat lunch at school, often in hopes that dinner would be a bit better. And I know how hard it was when dinner was withdrawn when you couldn't eat it presentably enough... or at all. I'm sorry for that.
I am.
It's still difficult for me, too. Decades later, even my body is a picky eater. It frustrates me more than anything when I realize that I can't eat what I want, when I need to be focusing so much energy into eating at all, which is... more difficult than I feel like it is for most people. But I know that it's important. I know that it always was, really... But I need to keep going so that I can find you again.
I keep thinking about one of the last times I heard from you. When you had gone back to a night when you were so scared, and they were so angry... When they offered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at some point among all the chaos in the room, and you could only cry. When their frustration sent you to bed hungry again, and you were left staring at the ceiling until the static washed over.
There I was, years later, and I could almost hear a quiet voice that I could still recognize as one that was once my own: "I think I want a sandwich."
You don't have to be scared anymore. I have to go shopping to get the right kind of ingredients again - I can't eat what's in the cupboard right now. But I wanted to let you know that I still hear you. I'm sorry. I'm trying. Thank you for being a piece that never went away.
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