Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it.
It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction.
The worst, I think, was when
He tied me to the door, hands behind so I had to bend. I was naked. It was second time he did this, but when he started undressing... I realized I'm being raped. Until this point I was somehow able to rationalize it that I agreed to it and he was teaching me.
I recall my thoughts were "fuck fuck, no, not this". And then I dissociated... For next 25 years.
My therapist suggested writing down my memories to process them. I guess it's the best place. I hope all this work will bring me peace eventually.
1 Comment
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now