"you couldn't even imagine"
Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in progress ·
64 views
this dream was strange. i know i'm a verbal thinker, and all my parts are articulate to various extents, and them literally speaking to me is one of the most common ways i reexperience. but normally nightmares are different, normally nightmares are visual and tactile. but this... i dreamt of a part talking to me.
it wasn't any of the ones i thought i knew. i see now. little jaime wasn't secretly three other parts. she was secretly protecting three other parts. when she leapt from the tower and broke open... they came out, yes, but she, too, survived. they hold specific things, but she is my core, i think. they are my emotions, but she is literally just the younger tower, before it turned to stone.
and this past night, she and i were in a dark, spacious room together. she was sitting against the wall. i also sat on the floor, to be level with her.
she told me so much. she sounded so subdued. empty inside. that's what she is without them. but just beneath the surface i could hear traces of the others. so much resentment. so much grief. so much jealousy. it felt so unfair to her, that she had to remember and be suppressed, while i could be ignorant and in control. she wanted me to know everything. she wanted to not be alone with it anymore.
i don't remember most of what she revealed. i think i wouldn't let myself hear it. but the gist of it was this: "all of it was real. you think you have it bad now just with what you've had to remember so far? you couldn't even imagine the shit i remember. we don't have the luxury of doubting it."
that was what i was afraid of. that was why i didn't want to accept the suitcase nightmare. because there was no way it could have been real without meaning other things that i wasn't even ready to think about. but she doesn't have that luxury. that's what she wanted me to hear.
1 Comment
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now