things i need to say but don't want to post on the forum i guess

@PlumSundae I'm still sorry I said that. I still believe it was wrong of me. But it's such a relief to know you took it well.

She is very dissociated. I could tell this much pretty clearly already in the fact that she was articulate, but this experience is giving me a whole new kind of insight into just how hard it is not to push her back down. I wrote that reply in your thread, and then edited it, and then edited it again to remove the edit reason, and then vented in a Discord server I go to about feeling like I'd done something wrong, and then deleted it, and then tried again, and then deleted that one too, and finally just said something to the effect of "I need to say something but I can't, I keep deleting it" and then also deleted that. And now it's really hard not to delete this too.

To share a part of myself that feels too unsafe for me to accept, and see her accepted anyway... I'm going to need a long time to piece together how I feel about that, but I think it's a good way, whatever it is. Thank you for being so kind to us.

I also feel this rage sometimes. I've had pieces of me who only ever seemed to feel rage much like Lucy's.

Honestly, it scared me too, when I realized that those feelings were there. I thought that it meant that I was dangerous, or bad. It scared me a lot. I still wonder if some of those parts of me are still dissociated away somewhere, though they may not be... It's hard to say nowadays.

The thing is, survivors are... so much less likely to ever be violent towards others. Feelings like this are often very big, which can make them even more difficult to cope with when we feel like their content is disturbing. But just because a feeling is big (& potentially overwhelming at the time) doesn't mean that you're going to act on it. You're much better than the people who have harmed you, despite what your brain may say (maybe I'm projecting there... but it's a thought I've had about myself more than once). 

I wholeheartedly believe that you aren't a violent person. Just because you have a thought, or a feeling, doesn't mean that it represents who you are or what you're going to do. Other people may not always understand, it's true... but that doesn't mean you aren't worthy of compassion and understanding. You, and all of your parts, very much are.

@selkiespot Thank you for this...

You're right. Thoughts I'm not going to act on don't define me. That's the difference between me and him. Lucy doesn't need to torment the real person. I never want to see the real person again. She only needs to torment my internalization of him, and she can do that as much as she needs to. That is not real violence. That does not make me a violent person. Just because the thoughts are disturbing doesn't mean I have a responsibility to turn away from them. If anything, I have the opposite responsibility: to bear witness.

I'm sorry you have parts like this too, who are so angry they feel dangerous. But I'm glad you have such a good way of understanding them. Thank you for sharing it with me. 

35 minutes ago, rabbitprotectsme said:

She only needs to torment my internalization of him, and she can do that as much as she needs to. That is not real violence. That does not make me a violent person.

Exactly what I was thinking! Lucy’s words don’t define you as a violent person. My post about having rage coming out of every pore of my body did not define me as a violent person. I never even took the time to explain that I’m not. I guess I just figured that you know I’m not violent, the way I know that you aren’t violent. We are all more than the sum of our parts. 
 

Lucy, I thought you took the floor perfectly. You were bold and honest, and I respect that. I share your view, that these abusers are monsters disguised as people. They hurt us in every way and if you want to torture them when they arrive at your feet, Im all for it. They earned it. 🔥