Lately I've found it really helpful to identify ways my body responds to triggers. I can't always identify my mind's responses. Feelings come up that I don't allow myself to feel. But my body can't pretend not to feel them.

Earlier today someone told me my toxic way of looking at trauma is because I want to be able to feel like I deserve to be saved, because I'm caught between not feeling like I deserve it and feeling like I need it. That cut deep, but the only way I could actually tell for sure that it was true was because of the tight knot in my chest.

I was also reflecting on a scene in Void Stranger (really good narrative indie game) that illustrated a genuine hug between two normally very repressed people. This time I could easily tell how I felt about it even on a mental level, because I was sobbing. (Listen. It was a really good scene.) And I started to reflect on why I felt so strongly about it, and realized I wanted the healing it was showing. I wanted to hold my parts like that, the way those characters held each other. Realizing that--I wasn't sure how that realization made me feel in and of itself. Until I noticed that when I'd started thinking about that, I'd started hugging my pillow.

Also something happened today in a very sweet Discord server I go to. The server was discussing, among other things, a Steam page person A had run across. In the course of that discussion, person B pointed out that it seemed up person C's alley, a gentle ribbing about his preferences, since the game's protagonist was a plus-size woman. Person C didn't mind wholeheartedly admitting it. Now, I've been there in that server long enough, I know the kindhearted nature of this person's body type preference. I know all three of these people are very sweet people and there was no prejudice or mockery or fetishization involved in this exchange. Even so... and this is entirely my own problem... I read that and it made me start shaking and involuntarily bring my hands up over my head and do that ducking-and-covering pose. The funny thing is I didn't even realize I'd felt anything about reading it until I noticed I was doing that.

I'm noticing these a little more easily lately. I think switching my HRT regimen to injections helped. I did that a couple days ago and I immediately (like 6 hours in) felt so connected to my body that I was completely overwhelmed with joy and could barely sleep that night. The shot should remain in effect for a week, so maybe that's helping, maybe I'm still benefitting from that improved feeling of connection.

In any case, I think noticing these body responses is going to be really important. The memories try to speak to me in more than just the loudest and most obvious ways. I need to take care that I'm listening properly.