things i need to say but don't want to post on the forum i guess

You have never come across as whining. You experienced something terrifying and need support. 

I agree with Plum, I think your pace is “everything right now” and that is really difficult. We’re here for you. 
💜

@PlumSundae @ShyUnicorn ... you're right of course. i guess it's just... really hard to stay willing to look at this. i'll throw every insult i can at myself to be able to get away from it. but it doesn't matter in the end. because i can't.

5 hours ago, PlumSundae said:

It doesn't need rules and promises, and it doesn't need fixing, it just needs witnessing.

you know, it's strange, i think i was thinking this way because i was realizing this specific way of processing it was coming from me, not any of my other parts, and i guess i kind of just implicitly thought i'm not the same as them, like, they need compassion, they need to be witnessed, but i don't. i thought all my pain was with them. when i made that promise, i thought i could easily stop thinking about it any time i wanted to, and just stand by to hear from them when they needed it. that was foolish. i am a part too and need to be treating myself the same way. some of the pain clearly is with me and not them, and i need to be willing to let that run its course. and listen to them, at the same time. it's too much, but i guess if i couldn't handle it, i wouldn't be the one out in front like this.

 

anyway.. thank you both, as always, for being by my side in this.  i don't know what i'd do without you two or the rest of this community. if i hadn't found it i think i might actually not have made it through what's going on now. i would probably have given up and succumbed to this about two weeks ago or something.

On 9/24/2025 at 8:36 AM, rabbitprotectsme said:

i would probably have given up and succumbed to this about two weeks ago or something

Oh, sweet rabbit. I have come so close to giving up many times. I hate to think of you considering that option. 

You are undeniably important. Your healing process is equally important, so please do not leave it unfinished.

You have put in so much work already that you have proven yourself to be the right person to be out in front. 
Show the others that it is safe to express all of the heavy emotions that occur while healing. They will follow your lead. 

You have inspired me along my own journey, so I am confident you will inspire them too. 
I see your efforts, your pain and your genuine heart. 💜

On 9/24/2025 at 8:36 AM, rabbitprotectsme said:

i guess i kind of just implicitly thought i'm not the same as them, like, they need compassion, they need to be witnessed, but i don't.

I just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you for recognizing this in yourself. It's not an easy thing to acknowledge, and I'm glad you're doing the work to process and notice your own emotional needs, because you're absolutely right. 

I've also had the experience of noting various parts & wanting to support them despite it being draining, difficult, or even destructive to my current self. I think that there is absolutely a point where something has to give, and we have to stop and say, "Alright. I hear you, but I need time to attend to my own needs right now, too."

I think that learning to stop and take care of ourselves is pretty important to those who struggle with things like dissociation. I'm glad that you seem to be recognizing that, because you do deserve compassion & support. 100%, you absolutely do.

@ShyUnicorn I want you to know it brought me to tears for my darkest impulse to be seen and empathized with like this.

[sui]

Spoiler

 

I know I've said before that I get a lot of passive ideation. I don't get much active ideation, but I at least know what it feels like, because, at my absolute worst, maybe three or four years back, I did once make a plan and obtain means. Holding my ticket out of hell and staring down at it in my hands, I backed out. I couldn't do it. I'm not religious, and the prospect of total annihilation, total cessation of existence on even a spiritual level, was just too scary.

I kept the means, and then shared with my social worker at the time that I'd done so, thinking that since I no longer had any immediate intent and was just keeping the stuff around "just in case," she couldn't do anything. I was wrong. She had the means confiscated and had me hospitalized.

I kept thinking the whole time I was there, "this is a mistake, you've got the wrong person, I don't deserve to be here, let me go, let me out of here and save your resources for someone who really needs them, what I did wasn't even a real attempt, I don't deserve to be taking up your space like this." Not realizing, until I was a little clearer-headed, just how close I'd really gotten. What constitutes a "real" attempt? Is it less real just because the reason it failed was loss of resolve? I had held it in my hands, assembled and at the ready. Just one difference of fickle immediate whim, in just one pivotal moment, and I wouldn't be alive now.

 

Around a little over a month ago, in my struggle to cope with stuff around my dad resurfacing, I was reapproaching the mental space that had led me to do that. I remember phrasing it as being "safe, but in danger of being in danger:" I wasn't in immediate crisis, but, having learned to recognize what crisis felt like, I could feel it coming on. Thanks to being directed here, it never got to that point. I just think it would have if I'd never found this place. That's why I've said before that AS saved my life. It truly, very literally has. I'm safe now. I'm still safe now, thanks to you, and @PlumSundae, and @selkiespot, and everyone else here.