Untangling It All

The numbness can be so frustrating. I'm sorry. 🫂

Knowing what I do about what home life is like for you, I have to wonder if maybe little you doesn't feel safe to reexperience because big you isn't safe in the actual present...

Maybe it would help to try to access it during fleeting moments you do feel safe in the present. Are there ever times when you don't feel like you have to be hypervigilant of her, when you don't feel like any minute she's going to come up and rage at you again? On the other hand, if there are times like that, you probably need them badly as-is. Maybe it would be best not to make them stressful too.

I wish I knew what to say. It's just really hard to get healing work done when we're still being hurt. I'm sorry it's like this. I am. 🫂🫂🫂

All I can tell you is that you aren't fake and you do belong here with other victims. What you went through is real, how you feel about it is real, and you deserve support. Everyone copes differently and shows or doesn't show different signs. You are not wrong or bad or lesser for how your trauma presents. It's real and you deserve to be here.

On 9/23/2025 at 1:30 AM, rabbitprotectsme said:

The numbness can be so frustrating. I'm sorry. 🫂

Knowing what I do about what home life is like for you, I have to wonder if maybe little you doesn't feel safe to reexperience because big you isn't safe in the actual present...

Maybe it would help to try to access it during fleeting moments you do feel safe in the present. Are there ever times when you don't feel like you have to be hypervigilant of her, when you don't feel like any minute she's going to come up and rage at you again? On the other hand, if there are times like that, you probably need them badly as-is. Maybe it would be best not to make them stressful too.

I wish I knew what to say. It's just really hard to get healing work done when we're still being hurt. I'm sorry it's like this. I am. 🫂🫂🫂

All I can tell you is that you aren't fake and you do belong here with other victims. What you went through is real, how you feel about it is real, and you deserve support. Everyone copes differently and shows or doesn't show different signs. You are not wrong or bad or lesser for how your trauma presents. It's real and you deserve to be here.

I thought about this for a good while. I think big me is just used to feeling emotionally unsafe. I fully expect that if I go to her, she'll tell me what I'm thinking instead of my own opinion of my emotions, and the second I say she failed me, she won't be able to take it. Even minor criticism of her parenting and pushing that no, these relatively small incidents still hurt me, resulted in being punched and threatened with homelessness. On my birthday no less.

It makes sense that I'm numb. If I ever let it out she'll fly into a rage and I'll lose everything. I have to stay silent because her ego will not accept that I tried desperately to tell her that something very wrong was happening and that she allowed it. She prefers my brother over me too. Blatantly so. She will not accept that her wonderful, successful son hurt his mentally ill, struggling at life younger sibling.

All of that does cause me to re-experience everything around her, you're right. I see her and I'm reminded of being assaulted and touched by people I gave my trust. And the others I gave my trust to didn't care about this violation. It was nothing major. My brother was being funny in her mind. Everyone can see the pain she's in because she has nothing to lose by expressing it. I have to tuck mine away because everyone else cared so little about me they forgot, and their ego will not allow them to hold any narrative in their minds where I have trauma.

Hi @masongator. Sorry you've experienced that. We believe you and you do belong here. There's no correct way to feel or behave. Everybody copes and has their own healing journey. Sitting with you. 

2 hours ago, masongator said:

I think big me is just used to feeling emotionally unsafe.

This is both completely understandable under your circumstances, and completely heartbreaking.

I know you've said before that you hate her. Because of that, I'm assuming you won't take offense to this, please forgive me if I'm wrong about that, but: I also hate her. You don't deserve this and I would hate anyone for forcing you to live like this.

You are cared about here. Your pain is seen and cared about. I'm sorry we can't do much more than care. I wish we could.

On 9/23/2025 at 5:28 AM, PlumSundae said:

@masongator, you absolutely belong among other survivors'. I'm sure everyone here will recognise that numbness.

Reading your post reminded me of a journal I wrote, titled "How can I make myself feel it?"

(I didn't come up with an answer, other than 'let it come when it's ready').

You will feel it when you feel safe enough. I wonder if the presence of your mom keeps it locked away, especially when she's re-traumatizing you daily.

But the fact you know it's there to feel and the fact that you're willing to feel it means it might not be as far away as you think.

Sitting with you ❤️

I've tried to find this journal you're talking about, but I can't. Maybe I'm misunderstanding and referring to something you wrote but didn't post, idk. It's weird, she talks about having always protecting me from people trying to hurt me, yet not noticing the assault that happened just outside her front door. I haven't been safe for a very long time. Sure, I wasn't physically getting beat up. But emotionally and mentally, I have never been allowed to be safe. I'm always hiding away because the only thing she's communicated to me is that if I say how I feel, she's just going to scream at me. I'll be told that not only do my emotions not make sense, but that they are offensive to her. I need permission to feel the way I do, especially about her and any of my family. I don't know what safety feels like in that regard. There's a reason I turn to my plushies at night as the only ones I can trust. There's a reason I wait til very late into the night to whisper and cry to them. It's right in front of me. 

It's no wonder I've gone numb. Everything around me tells me my emotions are fucking stupid anyway, and that I have no right to them. I don't get a say in my trauma, it's the people who traumatized me and apologized for my abuse who get a vote in whether I'm truly traumatized. I remembered today that I was watching something with her where a girl was being molested by her dad, and her family was letting it happen, and when I said it was abhorrent of everyone in the family, she chimed in that "you don't know their reasoning! Don't blame them for not acting!" essentially. She's been an apologist the entire time. It hasn't been safe to feel and I internalized it from such a tender age...I have to relearn how to have emotions about it. You're right. I'm constantly reliving my trauma around her. I wonder what safety feels like. I wonder if I'll ever be safe. I wonder what revelations and trials will come with safety.