Untitled PO Box

Hey.

I'm sorry you're struggling to have compassion for yourself right now. I can understand a little bit how that feels, how painful it is.

Nothing that was done to you was okay. No matter what your father had to go through himself, or how young a parent he was, I don't think any reason for what was done to you could ever be understandable, or forgivable. But even if there were, a reason is not the same thing as an excuse--and I know there is absolutely no excuse for what you were put through. You don't have to forgive him. Especially not at your own expense like this. If he deserves any forgiveness, he sure as hell doesn't deserve yours. If, whether now or someday in the future, he's ever a changed and repentant man, someone else can give him a second chance. Accepting him, ever, is not your job. Not after what he did.

Speaking both from my own experience and from what I know about what you had to go through, I think maybe part of why we don't have compassion for ourselves is because no one else prototyped that behavior for us by showing us any compassion. When they make big mistakes, it's somehow always excusable, but if we make one little mistake, it's all punishment, all the time--does that resonate? Does it sound familiar? We deserved better than that. Someone should have been there. When we made mistakes, someone should have told us it was okay. When we were being hurt, someone should have protected us.

We can still build up self-compassion now, but it has to be an active and continuous effort. And to be clear, I don't say that without knowing very well you've already been trying so hard. Sometimes it may even have to involve putting on an act. Like how you can still exercise muscles you don't even have yet, and eventually, they'll grow in. It's a skill, and for those of us who weren't trained in it from birth, it takes years of practice. That's what I think anyway.

I think it is normal for people to like themselves, yeah. Look at how confidently they present themselves, how easily conversation flows forward from them, like they don't even have to think about it. Look at how they dress to accentuate their unique personalities. How they have so much energy to run around doing things and talking to people all day every day. How they stand by their convictions--even if sometimes they're wrong, or even very wrong. How they can eat socially, just eat a meal right there in the open, with other people, in front of other people, like it's no big deal, and talk to them over it. How they walk with their heads up high, not trying to shrink down and hide in their own bodies, not trying to avoid crossing paths with others or being seen, not always looking over their shoulders, not stumbling over every word they try to speak. This is the birthright that was taken from us.

Sitting with you. 

@rabbitprotectsme Thank you, sincerely... I was going to quote any part of what you said, but I really think it's all true.

I don't think my father is capable of significant change. I think he just moved onto others, which makes me upset that I continue to justify things on his behalf, even now... But in fairness, I only really tend to do so when it comes to myself and my own experiences. It's likely a force of habit that I need to learn to let go of.

You're right... That compassion is a behavior that was never really modeled for me. Certainly not when I felt like it really mattered. I guess it does make sense to be struggling this much with it.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response. I deeply appreciate it.

Edited September 22, 2025 by selkiespot