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Once again trying to understand what's going on in this head

rabbitprotectsme

Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in progress ·

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I've been reading about structural dissociation. There's no question that either primary or secondary structural dissociation is what I've been dealing with, and for awhile now I've been assuming primary, because I thought the only EP was little Jaime. That's why I called her that, after all.

But can one EP hold multiple traumas? Does it work like that? Or do you always split off into a different one for a different type of experience?

The highly vocal and articulate EP, the one who was so angry and afraid she even saw me, my own ANP, as a threat... And I can't blame her. Negative self-concept is my most severe symptom, and I've engaged voluntarily in really unhealthy thought patterns before. I've hurt myself. As painful as it is to admit, I am a threat--or at least, I was. Anyway, as for her, I think she definitely experienced the violent penetration. That's why her emotions are so intense. She definitely seems very fight-response. It makes sense. I felt like he was crushing me, suffocating me. I couldn't move under his grip. Nowhere to escape to. Fight response would have been the only one available. And how the emotional flashback only ended when I yelled "Get off of me!" ...

But is she the same EP who had that intense emotional flashback (it was an emotional flashback, not a somatic flashback, I realize that now, I didn't know the difference at first) and said "why am I here, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for being alive, please don't hate me, I want a big baggy coat to hide in?" I assumed so, but now that I'm thinking about it, that doesn't sound like her at all. The angry one doesn't give a shit who hates her. She will fuck them up if they come close. By contrast I think the sad EP is the one who experienced the verbal abuse. She holds freeze response. She just wants mom to stop yelling at her and hug her again. She just wants mom and dad to stop yelling at each other and hold her between them again. Is that really the same EP?

And which EP had that momentary visual flashback, to when more than one man was touching me but I was trying to be brave and patient for them? Is she the same one who showed me the nightmare where I was waiting for my dad to join me in bed, eager for his affection but nervous to be violated again? Is she the same one who was happy to be called his "little girl," even though now it makes me sick? The same one holding the feeling that "I would have at least liked it to mean something, I wanted to be his child but I would have settled for being his lover if he would at least have seen me as that and not just an object?" An EP who actually still loves him, in spite of everything. The EP who endured having her trust broken to create the angry one, and who endured the less violent abuses, and who endured losing him in the end. The EP who holds the fawn response, who forgives too easily and loves too generously, who still wanted to hold onto what she'd thought he was before he showed his true colors. And, if she holds the fawn response, perhaps the same EP that had to pacify my mom before she would start yelling, and even still persuades me to practically worship mom rather than just love her, even though there were times she hurt me.

Well, the angry one is articulate, so I simply asked.
"Are you the same girl who curled up and cried and wondered why you were alive?"
"I don't know."
"If you don't know if you're the same... then at least, did you do that?"
"Do I look like I'd do that? I know why I'm alive. I'm alive 'cause I can live through anything."
"I see. Then, are you the same one who still loves him on some level, and wants to see him again?"
"Ew. Gross. Do you even need to ask? The only way I want to see him again is dead."

Well, there's one vote for more than one EP. Unfortunately, if there is more than one EP, the other two are abstaining. I don't know how to communicate with them yet. And if there isn't more than one EP, then one vote is all I can expect anyway. So... inconclusive.

I'm... not sure they actually all have different names. The name "Jaime" actually fits the fawning EP best, for the emotional relationship I have with that name--but even though there is one in particular it fits best, I get the feeling, though unsure, that the other two are also just called "Jaime." Maybe because we're split a little uncleanly, still a little more on the connected side overall. We do share memories of time spent fronting, after all. Primary-and-a-half structural dissociation?

If I had to guess... The angry one being the most articulate fooled me into trying to make her feel safe first, when she's actually going to be the hardest one to convince. The freeze one and the fawn one will probably both be more than happy to believe me if I tell them they're safe now. Well, the next time they come up, anyway. Although, when the freeze one comes up, at least, it seems like I have a greater tendency to become her for the duration, so... Being present myself to tell her she's safe will probably require grounding myself.

It's getting a little abstract, trying to understand how this all works while not having had any new memories come up lately to go off of, but I think I'm still on the right track.

Edit: Wait, but... If the freeze EP only holds the verbal abuse from my mom, then why did yelling at my dad to get off of me end the flashback? I wonder if there was some point where I used the freeze response with him. Some time when I was feeling hopeless and resigned...

Edited by rabbitprotectsme

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ShyUnicorn
3 hours ago, PlumSundae said:

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, and congratulations if you made it this far.

Yes @PlumSundae you outdid yourself this time, but every word was on point. I do not want to hijack @rabbitprotectsme’s blog entry so I hope to make an blog entry later today about understanding my own parts. Rabbit, I know it can be frustrating when you want to heal but your mind is not cooperating. Please remember that practicing self -compassion is a critical part of healing. You are still making important progress and establishing new thought patterns/neuropathways. 
I see your dedication and intention, and I am very proud of you. 💜

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rabbitprotectsme

@PlumSundae Hey. I read all of this and want to say first of all thank you so much for such a thorough response, and for sharing what it's like for you.

Oh... This makes a lot of sense to me:

4 hours ago, PlumSundae said:

I can imagine (and this is not a criticism) that your more timid parts (if you have them) may look at your 'interrogation' of the angry one and say "Hell, naw! That's not safe... I'm keeping out of this... I don't want to be spoken to like that." They are watching the whole time, looking for either safety or threat.

I can tell you're onto something because of how much this hurt to read. You said it's not a criticism--so I think it wouldn't feel so much like one if it weren't true.

i didn't mean to. When I was doing it about memories, i just wanted to know everything because i just wanted it to be over... i know it can't be rushed but this has been with me for so long and sometimes it just feels hopeless... so every time anything more resurfaces, I jump for it because it feels like a possible way out. I've been trying very hard not to repeat that mistake, but when I did it about this, I don't think I realized it "counted." But I can feel the truth here and I should have known better. Back off means back off. i feel so stupid...

i'm sorry the way i do this is so weird and artificial... when i look at the difference in how we process ourselves, it feels like i should apologize for being so different, like it means i'm faking. but I know I'm not. I know I'm just accurately describing how I experience this. My experience is weird and artificial because I'm weird and artificial. The EP(s) are real. I know they're there because I can feel them. The ANP intellectualizes them and treats them badly because the ANP is fake. How is it I understand the sole part normally under my voluntary control again? A stone tower of repression? That doesn't sound like a person. It's trying very hard to understand the other(s) and be kind, but it struggles because it's not a human being. It's a golem. An object. I don't understand what that means or how it could have turned out like that, but for some reason it feels very clear and obvious to me that that much is true at least. I'm just a false imitation of a person, built for my own protection, built specifically not to feel. That's not even something that requires deep introspection to understand; rather, as introspection goes, this much, at least, is as plainly self-evident to me as it is that the sky is blue. Self-compassion, like so many other things, is a function I have no choice but to only pretend to know how to implement.

 

 

@ShyUnicorn Thank you for this. I know I just got through saying self-compassion is something I can only fake. The rabbit has compassion for me, but I can't control her any more than I can the EPs. So, instead, I guess I'll just... keep trying to fake self-compassion more convincingly? If you fake an emotion hard enough, it becomes real, right? My taekwondo instructor used to always say that. "Fake it 'til you make it." Does that work for self-compassion? It must, I'm sure.

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selkiespot

@rabbitprotectsme I just wanted to say that I hope you don't blame yourself harshly for looking for more information.

It's very easy to mistreat ourselves in ways we don't realize, and suddenly understanding more about dissociation can lead to an increased sense of urgency for anyone, I think. There's a lot of discomfort (to put it mildly) that comes with the uncertainty... And I don't think anyone here blames you for having haste or acting impulsively, because it's unfortunately very natural to do so.

All that to say, please be kind to your present self, as well. Yes, you are older and wiser now, but that doesn't mean you have to be perfect at everything straight away. We all make mistakes, but growing from them (especially so quickly) is huge, and you continue to grow. You also continue to amaze me with your compassion, and you do deserve that kindness back.

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rabbitprotectsme

@PlumSundae Thank you as always for the kind reassurance. I really need to work on the integrity of my self-concept, it's so hard for me not to get just implosively self-critical whenever even the slightest self-doubt or insecurity is so much as gently tapped.

I love the deer metaphor. Not only does it seem apt, but also, awww, deer visit! I'd love to be visited by a deer one day. Such cuties.

 

@selkiespot Thank you for helping me put this into perspective. :purple: You're right. I may not be as kind as I want to be to my parts yet but I'm trying and making progress, I can't expect to get there overnight. It means a lot that someone else can see that.

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rabbitprotectsme

@PlumSundae Oh, no I don't think I have. I'll look into it, thanks. I knew the terminology "inner critic" and that I had to recognize and silence it, but I didn't know there were methods. That sounds potentially really helpful, because it's usually not a thing I manage to do.

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ShyUnicorn

I am definitely going to look into that book as well. @rabbitprotectsme there are so many times when you say things that are very similar to what I am thinking. I still lunge at memories too aggressively and use the phrase “fake it til you make it”.

And when my inner critic takes over … it’s like the Eye of Saron has suddenly turned towards me and things are about to go sideways. I’m working on that. And self compassion. And holding still for the deer. And looking for a less triggering job. And accepting that my first abuser, my father, dying. And dealing with my daughter being at college. And …

ok. Gotta stop. I need to go do family stuff anyway. 

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