things i need to say but don't want to post on the forum i guess

@PlumSundae Ah, oh gosh, I'm glad you stopped reading when you needed to!

So there's a difference between a part and an introject, then. This feels intuitively true. It's true those two voices in particular live in me, think in me, but are definitely not me. I'm glad to know the name of it now. Thank you.

I started thinking about this because someone had recently recommended me a book and early on it starts talking about doing parts therapy with abusers, and how the part of them that's abusive would...well, it doesn't matter now.

Point is, I got worried because I thought I had a situation exactly like the book was describing. But I see now how it's different. I have an introject that's exactly like the part the book said those people have. But for those people, that voice is a part. It's something more akin to big Jaime, it's something they actually identify with and allow to front. It may have been molded into its shape by an introject, but it is a part, for them. Not for me. I let him get to me, but not that much. That's the difference between us. That's why I will never ever continue the cycle.

And now that I know this... I will, gladly yert him out, just as soon as I can.

Thank you for helping me clear up some scary confusion. 

I wanted to share something, though I may not be the best at articulating it all. It's just that I see a lot of myself in this post and I wanted to share something.

There was a point in time where I realized something that made me... very uncomfortable. And it was that a piece of me was nearly identical to an abuser of mine. It's a somewhat common experience for survivors, and to some degree I understood that, when I was most struggling with his existence. But especially as I started to understand more about the abuser he was "based off of," I started to hate him. I hated that piece of me, and hated even more that I had to share a life with him. It was miserable to me.

But it clicked at some point, much later on, that... it wasn't any fault of mine that that piece existed. It couldn't have been. There is so much that is natural and expected about taking after those that are close to you - family members, friends, partners, etc - and for people with experiences like ours, things like that can look much more extreme. We learn from others, and when the people we have to learn from keep doing such terrible things... it's very easy to develop problems like this. It's scary, it's exhausting, and it's horrible to go through. I'm sorry that you have. It's an unfortunate reality, sometimes, of learning to survive and cope with the things that we've experienced.

But I do want you to know that it's more than possible for things to change, for what it's worth. Though it was difficult, that part of me managed to change more and more over time, becoming more of a person that he wanted to be, rather than the person that he used to resemble. It wasn't easy, and it took time, but he eventually distanced himself more and more from the person that he used to be.

You don't and didn't deserve what happened to you. I'm so sorry that you've had experiences like these. You deserve time, patience, love, and respect. I hope you continue to manage to heal in the way you have been, because these are not easy realizations to face. Thank you for continuing on.

@selkiespot Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and for reassuring me.

That's such an interesting way of looking at it. If I can look at my younger part and phrase "it wasn't her fault" as "it wasn't my fault"—if, due to the nature of her existence, those two sentences have the same meaning—then perhaps if I want to look at the introject of my father and say "it wasn't his fault" (the introject's, not my father's, it was his fault), I can also phrase that as "it wasn't my fault"—specifically, as you say, it wasn't my fault that he (the introject) was forced into me. Maybe in his case, "it wasn't my fault that someone else forced him inside me" is the phrase with the same meaning as "it wasn't his fault that he exists." Which is interesting to me, because, even if they do mean the same thing, "it wasn't my fault that he was created" is a lot easier for me to accept.

Maybe I can start to empathize with him by thinking about it like this: I'm sure the part of my subconscious wrapped up in emulating him doesn't want to be doing that. In fact I know it doesn't, because I can feel that much every time he shows up. If I don't want him in my head, then we're on the same page: deep down, he doesn't want to be here either, even if he's convinced himself he actually relishes it. He wants to be gotten rid of. The part of my mind he's forcing to replay him on repeat wants to cast him off and become something else.

14 minutes ago, rabbitprotectsme said:

Maybe I can start to empathize with him by thinking about it like this: I'm sure the part of my subconscious wrapped up in emulating him doesn't want to be doing that. In fact I know it doesn't, because I can feel that much every time he shows up. If I don't want him in my head, then we're on the same page: deep down, he doesn't want to be here either, even if he's convinced himself he actually relishes it. He wants to be gotten rid of. The part of my mind he's forcing to replay him on repeat wants to cast him off and become something else.

This is honestly the realization I ended up coming to, as well.

The part of me that came to emulate my abuser didn't understand the harm that he was doing to me for the longest time, and when he did, he was mortified. But once I got caught especially in the cycle of "This is how this part of me is always going to act, no matter what," I found that even I was enforcing the destructive behaviors without realizing. After some time, I started to realize that he hated himself as much as I hated him.

All this to say, I'm glad you're managing to get through all this the way you are. It's genuinely wonderful to see, and I wish you the best in continuing to offer kindness to yourself.

In my wife case i felt she was trapped in a cycle of knowing she was in a bad situation and also not knowing any better was out there for her.

That cycle of then meeting the abusers behavior or intensity in a relationship seems to blur the lines of the victim being able to break away as the relationship becomes their entire world.   it was almost as if neither one could break the cycle of being in a downward spiral 

18 minutes ago, selkiespot said:

All this to say, I'm glad you're managing to get through all this the way you are. It's genuinely wonderful to see, and I wish you the best in continuing to offer kindness to yourself.

I agree with selkiespot, that we can have similar characteristics to our abusers, having been around them while our personalities were still forming. It’s not surprising that we pick up things from them and loath those parts of ourselves later. 
I also agree with PlumSundae about both of your parents being introjects and not alters. 
Aside from sharing their views, I feel like I am still very new to the concept of having parts, so I don’t have any new ideas to add. 
I just want to say that I see you undeniably putting in the work to understand what’s going on. Nothing about the healing process is straight-forward or easy. I’m very proud of you and impressed by your dedication to your own journey. ❤️ ShyUnicorn

2 hours ago, selkiespot said:

The part of me that came to emulate my abuser didn't understand the harm that he was doing to me for the longest time, and when he did, he was mortified.

Ah... I'm glad that part of you cared, in the end.

I'm not sure if this introject cares about me or not. I think he's just tired. We're tired of carrying this. But... maybe? The real man was two-faced. He put on a charade. A charade I still remember fondly... Maybe that's somewhere that I can still access... Maybe that's what the introject will look like when he realizes he actually cares... But, beats me as to if or when that will ever happen. With more healing I can only hope.

2 hours ago, rick_m said:

In my wife case i felt she was trapped in a cycle of knowing she was in a bad situation and also not knowing any better was out there for her.

That cycle of then meeting the abusers behavior or intensity in a relationship seems to blur the lines of the victim being able to break away as the relationship becomes their entire world.   it was almost as if neither one could break the cycle of being in a downward spiral 

I see what you mean. That's tough.

I think this is a little bit like that, but internal. A cycle of a bad situation, played on repeat, spun by a mind which still doesn't yet understand we're safe now. I have to keep acknowledging the realities revealed to me, but also keep pushing back against any negative self-concept triggers. I need to embrace her, and listen to what she has to show me, but not let him get any deeper into my head, or it does become a downward spiral, yeah.

2 hours ago, ShyUnicorn said:

I just want to say that I see you undeniably putting in the work to understand what’s going on. Nothing about the healing process is straight-forward or easy. I’m very proud of you and impressed by your dedication to your own journey. ❤️ ShyUnicorn

Thank you so much. And thank you all, a thousand times, for teaching me, for being proud of me, for your well wishes, just for being there. After Silence is actively saving my life.

@rabbitprotectsme I am so grateful to be able to sit along side you. I’m very happy you’re still here. You are important. Your journey is important. 
 

I share your sentiment, as well. I’ve learned and remembered so much since I found AS. I am extremely grateful for this place and all of you. 
❤️ShyUnicorn