i may be slightly plural after all
Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in progress ·
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please pardon that i've been posting a lot since i came here. this process is just suddenly happening very rapidly for me. it's caught me off guard and is overwhelming. i do want to heal, of course i want to heal, but i wouldn't mind if the healing would maybe calm down a little bit.
since my experience a few days ago ive felt bad and icky about being naked for any period of time. this has made it emotionally challenging, albeit doable, to do things like showering and changing clothes. i felt this way when i was a kid, and a lot more strongly, but until now, not since then.
for a long time i've had an assumption that i'm "not plural" or at most "halfway to plural but not quite there." i believe it may be time to call that assumption into question. during that flashback there is no question i definitely felt like a totally different person. i can now confidently say i have two personalities, and two, um, i guess "hypo-personalities:" dissociated things somewhere between actual personalities and just ordinary imagined people, that have feelings and agendas but are incomplete and cannot front.
the stone tower of repression is the part that usually fronts. its function is to protect the child from the outside and seal away the father, but it's not entirely a healthy arrangement, because in doing so, it also incidentally seals away the child and protects the father--and more importantly, the child is not protected from the father, because they are trapped in there together. in and of itself it's cold and emotionless, stilted and robotic. there was a time it couldn't show any emotion at all. then it learned to fake it. then it became slightly more authentic by learning to fake the same emotions that the girl trapped inside was really feeling. and now there is a window; there is a direct channel. it mostly doesn't have to lie anymore.
the child is the "real" one. fronted before the incident and until most of the way through it. fronted during the flashback. otherwise usually stays quiet and requires active effort to listen to and negotiate with. she is my joy, my lost innocence, but also fear, shame, and hurt. she is also why i type in lowercase during the times i'm feeling more in touch with myself. proper capitalization is fine for the tower, but the child is so very timid and fear-driven that she somehow feels like it would be too assertive even though it's literally normal and expected.
the "hypo-personalities" are my mother and father.
the father is self-loathing, denial, flashbacks, nightmares. he serves an important function: most of the time, his cruel lies keep the child safe from him. denial is ultimately not healthy but sometimes it's necessary.
the mother is self-compassion. until the real person passed, i didn't have self-compassion. but then my memory of her became a source of it. this is of course the one i project onto the rabbit. i was once so desperate to have her back that she almost fronted, but i don't think she actually can.
before the mother arrived, i used to think the child and the father were the same entity. that was because she was completely under his control. seems that just like in real life, mom rescued her.
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