my lies tonight
Entry posted by rabbitprotectsme in vents ·
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this is a little mean and pessimistic for the what are your lies topic and also i don't want to show up as the last person who posted in the wellness forum. but: because of my freakout that i deleted (i transferred abuse emotions onto an unrelated subject and prevented myself from safely asking about that subject as a result) this is what's on my mind tonight, and it hurts a lot.
lie: it was your fault because you're fat.
lie: it was your fault because you're ugly.
lie: it was your fault because you're scary.
lie: it was your fault because you're angry about it.
lie: it was your fault because you're too masculine to be trans.
lie: it was your fault because you're a coward. how could you ever have talked to the courts about what he did, you who can't even talk to your friends about taking a break. "oh help, they'll judge me! they'll make fun of me!" if you're so scared of everything why don't you go crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out.
lie: it was your fault because you're tainted forever. the stain will never wash out, because it's not on your skin anymore, it's under it.
lie: logic be damned, it was your fault because of everything you became after he did it.
lie: how is that possible? i'll tell you how. because he turned you into something that can only be blamed. something unworthy of love, and only loathsome. it wasn't your fault until he changed what you are.
truth: haha, what truth? there's no such thing.
... no, that's not right, that's not healthy. that's not in the spirit of the thread.
then, how about this: i don't feel able to know what the truth is right now but i have to somehow believe it's not all that garbage up there.
yeah haha just gotta believe. totally believing right now
edit: woke up and thought i was better. i'm not better. the bad just took time to wake up too. and again with the thoughts about taking something sharp to my skin. havent felt the need to do that for years. not sure if im actually a danger to myself right now or if i just think im in danger cause im scared. i know im dissociated but not enough to have alters i dont think but i do feel like someone else right now. i feel younger and. powerless. and even though im here with you, i feel alone. its hard to get through telling you what this is like because my body is not cooperating. instead of typing i just curl up and shake and cry and stammer and hyperventilate. and. im. going to end it there and, go back to um, doing that
. ok nope theyre gone. a..are they? maybe not. im still typing like them. but. i stopped feeling like something is gonna get me. i think the panic stopped bc i described it? maybe it made my body notice the monster wasnt really here.
im so tired. i wish i could to back to sleep and just stay that way forever.
why am i here? im sorry. im sorry for being alive. please dont hate me
i wish i had any long sleeve shirts. im heat sensitive so i only own tees. i dont want to leave my room in a tee right now. or get out of bed in a tee. or get out from under the covers in a tee. if anyone were here to just pass a huge baggy insulated hooded coat under the covers. and then immediately leave and not look at me. that would be so good
Edited by rabbitprotectsme
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