To the Monster Under My Bed (thank you)
Entry posted by selkiespot in unsorted ·
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There's an older version of me that I've tended to try to forget about.
He was most like my brother, I think... He learned from him, and took after him too. Before it became clear the kind of person my brother was, there was some assumption that things could be okay. That it was all actually fine. And he was able, for a time, to live that way.
When I started to realize that things weren't fine at all, I kept trying to amputate that part of myself. He was too similar, and I couldn't handle it. There was a period of time when he would only exist to feel intense anger and self-hatred... He "lashed out" in self harm and suicide attempts (something my brother kept suggesting he might do, when I was younger). I still remember a point in my life when that piece of me quietly decided to lock himself in a cage and stay there for years, just so he wouldn't hurt anyone else.
He burst out at one point, today, when I was having a flashback.
There's a technique that I use somewhat often, where I try to figure out the best "end" to a flashback. Some fantasy where I walk in as an adult, see what's happening, and do something about it. Often, I just do what I can to get my younger self away... I'll grab them by the hand and hurriedly escort them to where we can be alone, and "deal with" the offenders later. Other times, when that doesn't seem as realistic, even something unrealistic like snapping my fingers and causing all of the awful people there to suddenly blink out of existence has been a comforting enough thought to collect myself. There are times that I've tried to respond/defend my younger self with violence (which would have been appropriate at points, honestly), but that always feels so forced... so fake.
This time, though, as I experienced a flashback, it was my younger selves banging on the door to interrupt. They rallied behind the door, knocking and shouting... It was the boy who caged himself that burst from where he was hiding under the bed & physically ripped my abuser off of me... Drug him out of the room himself, & left the rest of us to collect ourselves in the aftermath. There's a sense of understanding for me, now, that this is always what he wished he was capable of doing.
He viewed himself as a monster... I don't think that was actually the case, though. I think that was probably just what we were led to believe.
Edited by selkiespot
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