The feeling-that-shall-not-be-named.
I believe that one of the most important 'maintenance' steps within one's healing journey is to allow ourselves periodic check-ins with ourselves.
It's entirely too easy to convince ourselves we are 'fine' whenever we are asked by others in passing.....you know? They'll say, 'Hey, how's it going?' and we'll reply something like, 'It's good, how are you?' The conversation usually goes in one or two directions from there. It either ends, for that was the hello and goodbye you'll typically share with this person for the rest of the day. Or - it will lead to a very light conversation about weather or sports or upcoming holiday planning or back-to-school....nothing heavy. Indeed, this is probably the way we prefer it, especially when we may need things to be 'fine,' even if we don't fully comprehend why. Our emotions run so deep, that even we can't make heads or tails of 'em at times. I think this is even more true for survivors - for we have spent so much time suppressing feelings, thoughts, emotions, whatever we needed to as a means of self-preservation.
Sometimes the quick 'I'm good!' is simply the appropriate response, for it may not be the time or place to say otherwise. There's also the question of whether the person asking is someone you feel comfortable with giving a more accurate response to. I'm guilty of the quick and positive reply ninety percent of the time.
But then - I sometimes wonder if I'm doing myself any favors by simply moving along without bothering to stop and to check in with myself to ask myself, 'am I, really?' Is constantly saying that everything is good going to magically remove the head fog, the anxiety, the sometimes nagging feelings of something being 'up' or 'off,' the nerves, the momentary sadness? We all know that feeling. It's one that many of us have become so familiar with and struggle to explain, whether it is to ourselves, someone else or our therapists. It's there a lot of the time, just existing - because we have previously put it there and we continue to sprinkle false positivity onto it, hoping that it will satisfy it for the time being. I am by no means saying that it is our fault it is there - we simply may not have had the time, opportunity or mental tools we need to process through it at the time, so we wait. And that feeling, the feeling-that-shall-not-be-named, remains in wait for resolution.
I've had a bit of time to think over this summer, my work hours reduced by more than half. Wifey and I have had a rough go of things lately - problems with our house, some appliances, financial issues, displacement to name a few of the stressors. We had to relocate for one month while work was being done at our house. We had to commute further to where we work. We had to take time off work to ensure our dogs didn't destroy the rental lodgings. Access to our personal belongings was limited. We needed help from others, and while a couple people came through for us, it was very much an 'us versus the world' moment in time. Thankfully, things have turned around, we are back home and we are re-adjusting. We both have a lighter summer schedule (as we both work in the school system, things will pick up in another month and I will be likely complaining about feeling overworked, tired, overwhelmed and coffee shortages) and this has been REALLY nice. If I had to complain about anything, I'd probably say it's a mixture of boredom and inactivity. We went from being insanely busy to having all the time in the world. That's when the thoughts and feelings-that-shall-not-be-named decide it's a good time to get loud.
I've been meaning to check in with myself and to try and make sense of some of the feelings that have 'skipped the line' over the summer. I guess by this, I mean these are feelings that seem to be rushing to the surface, that seem to want to be talked about/discussed/addressed NOW.
So...first up - I'm anxious. This, I get because I'm going to be assigned a new client for the new school year. I am unsure of whether this client will be attending the school I worked at for the last three years. For those of you who are not sure what I do for a living - I am a Behavioral Health Technician and I work closely with children who are autistic/on the spectrum or who have behavioral challenges that may impede their academic or social skills. Each child has a treatment plan, which is a series of short-term and long-term goals that we try to get the child to meet during the time we spend working with them. I work with school or home clients and occasionally am out in the community with them to assist with safety awareness and life skills. So, with a school client, I will accompany the child to all of his or her classes daily and monitor their behaviors and collect data and fill out daily reports. I intervene if I see the child is struggling or see an antecedent behavior. I will assist in finding resolution, and provide help where needed, and train the child to use appropriate coping skills so that they may be able to self-regulate better if faced with similar issues in the future. Obviously every kiddo is different, so some require services for longer periods of time than others. When my last school client was discharged and I said goodbye to him in June, my supervisor put it perfectly and said, 'our job is to not have a job,' meaning we aim to get the kiddo to a point where our services aren't needed anymore. So - I am now needing a new client after having been with my school kiddo since late 2022. Happy to see his progress but Jesus Christ, the feelings of what comes next are truly unnerving. I now have to start over with someone new, and possibly in a completely different location that what I'm used to. I do not work for the school, I work for an external agency that places us into schools that the client attends. I did put in a request to return to my previous school as I like it a lot, but there are simply no guarantees.
I'm anxious about whether this new kid is going to hate my guts, whether we can develop a rapport, whether there are going to be any communication barriers, whether or not I'm going to enjoy the classroom I'm assigned to (the last one was great!) and the list goes on. Changes are hard for me in general, but this is KINDA like having a new job - especially if they cannot place me in a familiar location. I'll find out about my new client and placement details at the end of this month. Until then, I'm probably going to remain anxious. I guess it's a good thing that I do, however, still have my other (home) client secured and even if my school client is new and unfamiliar, I will always have him. I've had him for the past four years and he's an absolute GEM.
I've talked about this anxiety with my wife (who does the same thing as I do, job-wise) and my closest friends, and they get it. It does not make me any less nervous about restarting full-time hours with potentially new people but it does help to have the freedom to not have to provide a quick 'I'm fine' response that may or may not be accurate. I guess this will pass, and I will adapt and re-adjust as necessary.
I have also been feeling taken for granted or unappreciated. This stems from way back, really, and a few recent events have since awakened these feelings. Of course, situations and circumstances are different, so I question the validity of these feelings now, vs. how they were in the past. I've NOT talked too much about these feelings because I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. Part of me feels like I'm overreacting when it comes to my own feelings; or I'm feeling a way I'm not supposed to be, and that's so damn tricky - because if you're not supposed to feel a certain way....then why do you? Now, let me preface this by saying that I don't think that the people making me feel this way are doing it intentionally. These are good people, people I love with my whole heart. There isn't anything I would not do for them. They're family....both blood-related and not. I guess for that reason alone, I continue to suppress. Suppression isn't fun, folks. Not at all. It causes headaches, resentment, momentary sadness and misplaced anger. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm angry at them or with myself for allowing them to make me feel this way because I'm tight-lipped about things more often than not.
This is typical of me - I care more about how others feel than how I, myself feel and as a result, I brush or shake the feelings off and ignore them. Lately, though? They have, like anxiety, seen an opening and have begun to resurface. I am finding that I have been 'keeping score.' I've been REALLY looking and what I do and have done for others, and feeling a certain way when I want or need something and it's too much of a burden for them or they can't find the time. I have very, VERY few people in my life that I can truly count on - I'm too much of the person THEY can count on, so I'm kinda screwed in that respect.
Kind of brings me back to an old journal entry of my daughter's from when she was eight. She proudly owned a fill-in journal that she used mainly for the writing prompts....you know, one of those get-you-started type of journals. We found it while removing years' worth of trash out from underneath her bed. In trying to determine whether to keep it tucked away in her memorabilia or discard it, I rifled through the pages and found an entry about her parents. They wanted her to fill in some of Mom and Dad's favorite foods, movies, hobbies, and name some of their friends. She had no problem filling in for her Dad, but wrote, 'my mom has no friends.'
I laughed - for maybe a second. Then I sank to the edge of the bed and took it in. If she had written this when she was eight, then her recollection of me from when she was a child was probably accurate. I was a different person who was in a different place before she was eight years old. I had waited until after I divorced her Dad to do some serious healing work on myself. I know I waited many, many years post-trauma to seek therapy, to process through things, but I will repeat something I always tell others - there's no set timeline to it all and that's a step we take when we're ready. I was also in a safe and healthy new relationship with my wife, who was my best friend at the time as well as my fiancee. I guess, from her point of view, she didn't really view my wife as a friend - the same way she didn't view her father's current wife as his friend, either. (The way kids' minds work never ceases to amaze me sometimes.)
I decided to throw out the journal - the majority of the prompts were incomplete and it had been buried underneath years and years of papers, notebooks, clothing items and other junk that also found its way to the discard bin. She'd never miss it....and she hasn't asked about it, nor is she likely to remember ever having it. I, on the other hand, am having trouble forgetting that it ever existed in the first place, and am surprised that something written by an eight-year-old would stay with me as long as it has.
I guess that's another thing I'm having feelings about. I currently have a few people in my life that I consider to be friends, and that I have allowed into my very small circle. I have met some very nice people through my job...there are teachers at the schools, there are other behaviorists that I will 'talk shop' with but that is pretty much the gist of it. When it comes to friendship, I've always been okay with quality over quantity - the true friends that I do have are irreplaceable to me and are people I can count on. Unfortunately, most of them are not local and live too far away for me to pick up the phone and say, 'we're going for lunch, I'm driving, be ready in five minutes.' My wife has a best friend who lives fifteen minutes away and they regularly go to the mall or meet for a meal or go into the city. I am sometimes invited along, but usually prefer to stay behind. I am friendly with my wife's bestie, but that is all she is to me - her bestie. I do not find myself included in their conversations and just sit there awkwardly....so what's the point? I will admit, though, that since reading that entry in my daughter's journal, I am more jealous of that type of friendship.
I had a taste of it once - back in college, I spent a lot of time with a girl I'd met in one of our shared classes. We hit it off, became fast friends and did everything together. I married my ex, she married her ex - we came to each other's weddings. Our children were born a month apart. We lost touch after my divorce several years ago despite my several efforts to reconnect, get together, have a visit. What used to be every day interaction became once-in-a-while Facebook likes or brief comments. It's tough when something like this happens, especially when there is no falling out, no real reason behind the disconnect. No closure, no nothing. I've thought about writing her a letter and mailing to her last known address, but have since decided that I am done. I'm done trying, I'm done being the one to chase. If she wanted to be my friend, she would still be around, she'd not have asked 'who is this?' when I texted her for her birthday a couple years back. I have not yet been able to 'unfriend' her on Facebook and to sever that one remaining connection - there is a little bit of hope that one day she will call and ask if we could meet for coffee - and I know that this is highly unlikely, but maybe she will someday explain to me why she pulled herself out of my life. I know that I will not be reaching out, though. It has taken me a lot of time, but I know and understand that there was nothing I've done to deserve this treatment from someone that I thought was my best friend. The ball is entirely in her court. Maybe one day I will be ready to click the 'unfriend/unfollow' button but I am unfortunately not there yet.
Okay - I have reached the point in writing where I've touched on so many points and I'm not sure what the original purpose for it was. I often sit down to write and sometimes things flow and other times, I'm re-reading and editing because it's begun to take a different trajectory and I'm trying to remain on-point.
Anyway....today, I fully meant to convey how important self check-ins are and how we should do them more often. What are we really feeling when we smile and say we're fine? Do we know why we feel the way we do? Is there a conversation we could have with someone that might help to resolve some of these feelings, even if the conversation is with someone with whom the feeling is not associated? (Example: talk to your T about an issue you are having with a partner, child or friend?) Is there ANYTHING we can do to slow the buildup a little bit?
I'm considering having some conversations with some people but am having to decide whether having them will cause me (or them) emotional harm. I don't feel it's worth it in some cases, or in the case of 'said and done,' 'water under the bridge,' etc, but if there is a way I can get my thoughts out without the risk of ruffling feathers too badly, I will. I know I likely need to do some work on 'graceful' or smooth conversations, meaning remaining calm and not being defensive if our feelings are dismissed or not acknowledged. It's not going to help at all if I'm told that my feelings are wrong, either, so if I feel someone is going to be dismissive, I need to be able to either 'turn it off' (let it go for the moment) or quickly change my approach on how it's discussed. We tend to shut down a little more when it comes to loved ones, and far too often, this will evolve into a full-blown suppression.
I know I'm guilty of letting too much time go by without addressing things I feel strongly about; whether or not I know WHY I feel so strongly about them. I also mean to discourage suppressing with this post, as hard as that is to do. I guess that if we all work on discussing more openly what we're feeling (even with someone else) that it'll help in the relieving of some of those feelings-that-shall-not-be-named, that seemingly only get more and more intense as time goes by. I know it's easier said than done - these check-ins....
...but it just might be worth it. 
I am considering this to be a check-in of sorts with you all as well. I'm hoping that all of my AS family and friends are doing well (or as well as you can be), and to remind you all of how grateful I am to be connected with you all. The circumstances behind our connection are less than ideal, yes, but at the same time, enables us to understand one another on a level that is very unlike the degree of connection with our offline acquaintances, friends, family members. It is deeper, more meaningful and significant - and the main reason why I would share thoughts with folks here before I would elsewhere.
Peace, love, strength and warmth to you all.
- Cap
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