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God, Please Just Let Me Cry.

masongator

Entry posted by masongator in Processing ·

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That title is not an interjection or hyperbole. I found myself literally asking God to just please, please let me weep or cry or something from all of...this. I cannot do it, I have not allowed previous trauma to cause me to cry for a long time unless I am actively and severely triggered by something. But I feel so much like a fraud of a victim or survivor or whatever we're going to call it because I have not managed to shed a tear. I sat there welling up with tears multiple times the past few months, and every time my body just automatically stops it. I don't want that. I want it to finally come out. I can feel it happening right fucking now as I type this. It would feel so healing to be able to just let that scared little child in me grieve and feel everything they need to but why can I not just let it happen. It is not shameful, it is not weak, why do you resist?? Why the fuck can't you just release it for just a little bit? I know I do not want my family to see; they enabled my assault and are still around, and I do not want to share those emotions with them. I wish that I knew what I could do for myself to just lift the weight of needing to cry from me. I have nested up with my stuffed animals late at night when I have some privacy and it lets me feel a bit more vulnerable mentally and still safe but we're not there yet. I don't want to lock that pain inside me anymore, I can't stand it, I need a minute to just hurt a fucking bit. I need something for my own brain, that inner child who was and still is paralyzed with fear, that what you went through was traumatic and worth grieving. I can only pray for it at this point.

Edited by masongator
Small clarity issue

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Bayoubabe

This actually happened to me. I found that once I changed medicines, it fixed the problem. I don't know if you are on medicine (not asking, just saying) but if you are it could be contributing.

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masongator

@Bayoubabe I have had this problem for years, it's just especially difficult now that I realize that I've been assaulted bc I have never wanted to cry as much in my life as I do now. I suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse in childhood that would have family screaming at me if I dared to cry or sometimes, couldn't cry when I needed to. If I did something wrong and started crying after I was hit, I'd be verbally abused over the crying and told I was trying to get sympathy I didn't deserve. That it "wouldn't work on them". This is why it happens. Now, I am on medication but I don't notice any other side effects of emotional blunting from it so I don't know if that's the case but it hasn't necessarily been more difficult since I started taking it.

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