Sometimes I pour over my own thoughts realizing just how warped my brain is. To whatever extent my own self awareness allows me to see it anyway. I have reflected so much on those external affirmations that it really was not my fault. That I was just a child doing what I thought would get the harassment to stop. As much as I appreciate hearing that type of reassurance, it kind of only gets at half the problem, and that's not anyone's fault really. It's one thing to hear it and feel less guilty, it's another to hear that part of your brain that operates on trauma actively trying and failing to switch gears because that's just so automatically ingrained in you. There's consistently that part of me that resists hearing that it wasn't my fault, because it feels like my brain needs it survive, and whether you consciously realize it's not serving you anymore or not, it's still stuck there. It's the same song and dance as working through a lot of previous trauma honestly, it's just that I never really know what to do. Acceptance that I feel this way is a start and just gradually letting myself sit with the thought that I am not to blame has helped me get started. But from there I'm clueless. I know I need to deprogram the parts of my brain that rely on antagonizing me. I just wish I knew where to go on that path. A lot of healing I've been called strong for and to be real... I don't necessarily get it. I understand where these people are coming from but for me it was a matter of fixing it or there will come a time when I cannot take it anymore.

TW for suicidal ideation in the spoiler portion as well as graphic language regarding it. Not necessary to understand the rest of the post but just be warned.

I just wish I could learn to slowly start pulling apart the mess that my brain is in. I have to be gentle with myself, I know. I have tried telling my trauma to my plushies when I'm alone to start with as a sort of practice. I just feel lost and confused with little memories of being violated and betrayed bubbling back to the surface of my conscience and wonder when I can finally be at peace, if ever.