Jump to content
Registration Issues? Login Issues? Need General Assistance and can't access our onsite Help Desk? Shoot us an email at our email address: moderators@aftersilence.org ×
Followers 1
  • entries
    17
  • comments
    2
  • views
    1,377

Still.

januarycanary

Entry posted by januarycanary in philosophy ·

262 views

Followers 0

I am reaching into myself and it feels... as it should be. The one thing that I am learning is that life is imperfect, and when something bothers me, that collapsing pit in my stomach, all that means is I haven't accepted what it means yet. It is OK to feel anxious, frightened, stressed, uncertain, disappointed, offended, hurt, embarrassed, rejected. It is OK to feel like you fucked up. Everyone fucks up, and other people sit with their disappointment and recalibrate their expectations as you sit with guilt and shame and discomfort, and then, in our own time, we all move on.

I can feel uncomfortable. After a time, if I observe myself feeling and ask myself, what do you think, and why? Where is this coming from? Is this just something you are reactive to on someone else's account, in the past and not the present? You don't need to solve, to fix. You can take three minutes, fifteen minutes, a couple of hours, three days, leave it for two weeks and then come back to it. It won't feel as scary when you return. This is something that you only learn with experience. If you're going to do something you don't want to do, block out three hours, or maybe three days in your calendar. Make a cup of coffee, or prepare some kind of treat or routine to accompany it. 

It is a glorious lie, though, to say in a moment that you can walk away from something forever. If there's one maladaptive coping mechanism I can identify in myself it's that - this idea of disappearing completely, or never thinking about a particular person or a particular place again. It's a very special kind of death, I think, and it some ways it feels like you can wind back time to destroy each moment of connection shared with the knowledge that you can always walk away, and in that manner it makes whatever you had a lie that you told someone else. I love you. You are important and special to me. And then the last lie that doesn't have to be spoken - love writes history; this cannot be undone.

Love is one part kindness and one part hope. And one part the instinct that time and reality can bend. It is greater than the sum of its parts. It exists outside of each person - it is a certain kind of scientific truth.

2 Comments

Recommended Comments

rmhealing

Sometimes I do wish I could walk away forever, but I can't. I want to get away for good, but I never want to leave either.

Link to comment
januarycanary

I know. It’s scary and what you have now is familiar. When I was with my abuser I didn’t realize that I accepted so much of it because I was used to being treated badly growing up. I didn’t want to face the fact that I was in so much pain as a child, and I felt like I never mattered enough for someone to help me, or care about what I felt.

You can leave, but maybe just not today. Take your time and try to find the part of  yourself that no one can extinguish, and feed that piece of you and make more room for her. Draw boundaries around when you feel that way, if it’s a hobby, hanging out with friends, or letting yourself rest. Maybe tomorrow, you’ll be ready to take the first step.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...