My therapist made an observation, when I complained of how I am unable to feel and express anger. Reading the emotion wheel, how many primary and secondary emotions that flowed from anger sound familiar, in the context of my mother? Let down, humiliated, bitter, mad, aggressive, frustrated, distant, critical. A different wheel adds irritated, insecure and hateful. Betrayed, resentful, disrespected, ridiculed, indignant, violated, furious, jealous, provoked, hostile, infuriated, annoyed, withdrawn, numb, skeptical and dismissive.

It isn't shocking that I try to avoid these emotions. Or that I haven't seen healthy displays of feelings these emotions. What's a healthy way to deal with anger? My therapist suggests martial arts. I don't disagree. In my early twenties I spent a few months learning Wing Chun. I really enjoyed it. Perhaps that is worth returning to.

What is shocking is what an angry person my mother was. As a child I remember her blustering and judging. I have never seen what it is to be a happy, well-adjusted woman with children. All I know is cruelty and inadequacy - a familiar embrace. To imagine relief from this seems like an impossible dream.

The difference is this - when I was ten, my brother was one year old. I looked after him, changing his diapers, feeding him, playing with him. I took good care of him and loved him utterly. When I was ten I loved my brother more than my mother loved me. I was more a parent to him than my mother was to me. As a ten year old I was a better mother than my own. Maybe that is why she has always hated me - I was always going to be more than she could ever be. I was capable of love. I believed in myself. If I can remember those two things, if I can hold to those two qualities, I can live a life undisturbed by her. I can fill all that space with memories of my dad and my aunt, and my siblings. My cousin and the parts of my extended family that seemed fond of me. I want to free up so much space in my life.