I am struggling to come up with anything to express today. And then I remembered that part of all this is the act - of sitting with myself, thoughts and words blinking in and out of existence. Sometimes I hope they form a connection, meet in the night and build rich and full lives. Sometimes I am glad they disappear forever.

I'm thinking of giving up on the idea of a life with someone entirely. I'm thinking of entirely giving up on the idea of a life with someone entirely. Wait, that's not quite right, is it? I'm feeling like giving up on the belief that an idea of a life with someone entirely could be for me. Sometimes solitude calls out, because to be with someone, even outside of the siege of an irreparably angry or controlling person, is a destruction of self. And my self is so very fragile. In the past two months, my thoughts of disappearing have diminished both in frequency and intensity. Perhaps at some point in my life, sometime soon hopefully, when that drifts into my head, propelled by the wave of hopelessness and ???, I will be able to see it for what it is - a feeling, that passes and is nothing more.

Today it drifted into my head again, I will never be free. I'm proud of myself for that reframe from there isn't a point in this, this feels like a dangerous place and there is no escape GET OUT GET OUT. Writing this now, I realize I have never sat with the feeling and asked it about itself. My brain has always gone to ways I can get it to leave permanently. There are many fantasies one can have, but oblivion? That's sublime. Wait, but those are the thoughts of a person who is still living within the control of someone else. Let's be precise about this, with cooler heads and an open word document. I will never feel free. We are getting closer.

Maybe there are just very specific conditions that must be in place for me to emerge in a relationship, especially around the craggy edges of separate persons that rub up against each other when they try to form something bigger than the sum of their parts.