Jump to content
Registration Issues? Login Issues? Need General Assistance and can't access our onsite Help Desk? Shoot us an email at our new email address: moderators@aftersilence.org ×
A Little Forum Makeover - A new look for AS! ×
Followers 1
  • entries
    4
  • comment
    1
  • views
    830

Something I'd never considered

Tiashe

Entry posted by Tiashe in Recovery ·

46 views

Followers 0

I had kind of a rough, but ultimately good, night. My partners confronted me about my biggest problem around sex. I hadn't really realized how much I had going on around it. I realized that I was so scared about so many things. If I'd remember more, if I'd end up in an episode, if they would judge me, if I would ruin the whole thing... And they took all of that and just... They pointed out to me that they would never judge me for it and that I wouldn't be ruining anything if I needed to stop in the middle of things. They said they would be more concerned about me than anything. They wouldn't be upset with me.

I ended up having... I don't know if it was a panic attack or just an extreme anxiety shutdown. They were all really soft with me about it. They never got mad or frustrated with me about it. I think I really, really needed all that. I hadn't realized fully how bad it had gotten.

The biggest thing that I took away is... I was always so worried about what telling other people about our trauma would do to them. I didn't even consider that it might make them want to comfort or protect me. I always considered it a burden, an imposition on my part. Like I was doing something horrible to whoever I told. But... I think I might need to reframe that. Not everyone is going to be affected by it the way I am or even to the same extent I am.

I'm really lucky to have my partners. I love them all so dearly. And they love me. A lot.

I do think it's really sad that I feel like I need to be able to control everything about my problems so I can mold myself around others' feelings. The abusive platonic relationship I was in for years really made me feel like I didn't matter the same amount that other people do. I'm so, so grateful that we made it out of there. And I'm proud of myself for being able to keep myself moving forward. It can be hard, but I know it's ultimately for the best.

I think I need to start saying what happened plainly again, so I don't get like I was. So...

We were raped when we were a child. It wasn't our fault. It hurts a lot, but I shouldn't let it rule me. I don't want it to control me anymore. Hopefully I can make that a reality.

1 Comment

Recommended Comments

Allycard

I feel this. Abuse convinces you that most people are monsters that want to hurt you or just don't care but it's not true. most people are just people with problems and flaws trying to live their lives like us.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...