Every day, if traffic and other circumstances permit, I arrive to work a few minutes early.  It’s not a lot of time; it’s maybe three or four minutes before I have to clock in.  This is time I spend in the car, just kind of sitting - trying to mentally prepare for the day to start, even though I’d already been awake for over an hour.  Let me be clear - I’m too fucking lazy to get a coffee on my commute, knowing that the coffee machine in the teacher’s lounge is there waiting for me is a comfort.  That helps a lot, for 8am is not too ungodly an hour to start work but is still early for me, someone who has not managed to successfully go to bed before midnight the night before.  Or the night before that…or the night before the night before that.  You get the picture!

Before I begin my nine-plus hour days, there is a mandatory few minutes’ state of idleness that I must grant myself in order to be able to fully function.  I don’t generally do well if I’m rushed and it’s hard to explain the need for that few minutes of doing absolutely nothing productive - yet I suspect it makes sense to more people out there than I realize.  Just one of those things not warranting an explanation and ‘clicks.’

So for five minutes or less, I just sit.  I stare.  There is usually a different focal point every day.  Today, it was the license plate of the car parked in front of me.  I’ll sit quietly and stare at those letters and numbers until my vision is fuzzy, while through the corner of my eyes, I’ll see my co-workers scurrying by, some with hot coffees in hand, some with bags that look like they’d packed for a week-long excursion to Bermuda, some with friends, some by themselves.  Some will see me sitting in the car and give a friendly wave, others are a little more nervous about getting into their classrooms before the homeroom bell rings, so hurry by without so much as a glance.  Either way, it matters none to me; for while I will wave back to those who greeted me, I’m still in my zone, my little headspace for that few minutes before I have to make my own way into the building.

Sometimes, I’ll close my eyes while waiting to head out.  I totally could fall asleep.  Usually, in the frigid months, my car is still running until I’m ready to go, and the gentle stream of warm air on my face does nothing to help my ‘get up and go.’  I have lately began to turn off the engine at the start of those precious few moments - mumbling under my breath, ‘turned it off,’ so I recall having already made that vital step - you’d be surprised at how many of us remember the last thing we said during the course of a day especially when it’s not much at all.  It also ensures that I don’t leave my car running for the entirety of the seven-hour shift - something my absent-minded brain has caused me to do in the past, thus supporting this new ‘step’ in my morning routine.  The car cools off fairly quickly and further motivates my transition into the heated school building when there simply isn’t any time left.  Though there have been a few one-minute power naps in the car on non-thinking days, to make it a habit is dangerous - there’s always a risk that it won’t be one minute long.  

What do I think about?  

Sometimes nothing at all.  Sometimes I’ll scroll through my FB feed and send out birthday messages or check up on the baseball pages that I follow.  Sometimes I’ll fantasize about restarting the car and going home and crawling back into bed, but that never becomes a reality.  

Today, I thought about how I am going to be able to mentally prepare for the next four years with a convicted felon sitting in the White House.  Sadly, this, too, is beyond my control.  What I CAN control, though, is my responses to the aforementioned felon’s supporters - some of them being people I love very much and don’t want to burn bridges with.  The BS posted on social media is often infuriating and none of it is necessarily healthy to keep seeing - making my only option being deletion of some ‘friends.’  Sadly, the amount of loved ones who have ‘drank the kool-aid’ is appalling.  I don’t wish to cut ties with them but am considering cutting social media ties with many, and for more reasons than one.  I deleted Tik Tok (not that I ever used it for anything other than mindless scrolling) once I learned that the felon now owns it.  I wonder if he’s aware of the ridiculous amount of content that he is the main subject of mockery in??  Either way - I want nothing to do with anything the felon has his hands on.  As there isn’t much time in the car in the mornings, the thought of ‘tightening up’ my social media will perhaps need to be revisited later.  

There’s always a hefty sigh when time has run out and I am having to gather my things and open the door to the car and face the bitterness of the outdoors.  Time for the burning feeling in my nostrils as the frigid, below zero air stings while I make my way to the entrance to the building where I shall remain until mid-afternoon.  That few minutes, though cheap, is never fully enough to satisfy the need to just ‘be,’ but is still appreciated, regardless.  I highly recommend it if ya haven’t tried it. 

Coffee machine, here I come!!