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AmityRose

Entry posted by AmityRose in DID/ED/Trauma ·

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I'm currently in an eating disorder php. It's a trauma based recovery program. I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a while. 

I've been in treatment since late July in two residential programs in different states and now in php in my home state. A little burned out on treatment. I went in strong. I had all the hope and did all of the work. I did my own research and work on myself in my free time. This treatment program is more intense than I experienced before. I have the added complication of moving my entire life to this area as had been vaguely planned out with my therapist. Lately, I've been wondering why I go to programming everyday. I don't know why I'm there. It's like going to school as a kid. I go because I'm expected to. There but not really there. Just doing what I'm expected to and told to do.

In one of the groups the therapist asked about hope and where everyone was in feeling hope in recovery. It kind of led into that "why to you come to treatment?" topic. It was something I had wanted to discuss with a therapist because I don't know why I go. I dread going. I used to think I was doing the work for me, but now I don't know why I'm doing it. It feels purposeless. I've been working on one of my assignments for the past few hours. I may be taking this assignment a little far. It's a lot longer than most and will need to be presented in parts. But it's just something that was assigned and I'm being thorough. My selves have given information to be added and new things come up as I write. 

When I first started this journey 5 months ago, I had my therapist as an anchor. Over time, I feel like I'm losing her. Now, I'm dealing with grief because she feels more distant than ever, even though she's closer geographically. Because of the program, therapy is no longer an option. This program is going to be a lot longer than I imagined. This whole process has been a lot longer than I expected. My end goal was to eventually be able to work with her in person for EMDR. We've been working with each other via telehealth and my window of tolerance is too narrow to go anywhere near my trauma. As time has gone on, she feels further and further away. Lately, I feel like I've lost her. The grief is overwhelming sometimes.

The last week or so it's like I've lost my anchor and my ship is torn apart and sinking in this category 5 hurricane and I'm trying to ride these waves out while they crash around and on top of me. I keep going under and sputtering when I surface only to have another wave try to drown me. I'm so tired of fighting myself, my selves, and the world. I'm tired of just letting things be what they are and going with the flow after doing what I can or have to. 

I go to treatment and feel invisible. I don't know why I go. I just do. I don't know if I'm working to recover or heal anymore. I have a lot more freedom as a commuter and not living in their housing, but I feel so trapped. Everything is complicated and not without extra complications with everything I do. 

Being a trauma-based program, triggers are everywhere and most days are heavy. Identifying with the things other go through or what they've been through. Remembering a life I'd rather forget. Dissociating without being able to control it. My system is in this weird stage of reorganizing. That's hard to describe. Getting adjusted to a new life, my system is adjusting itself as well and is very disorganized. Touching my own trauma is painful and creating a war of needing to tell our story and not. Shutting down when needing to talk about something in life or easily getting sidetracked by details or side notes. 

Following my meal plan is extremely challenging. I'm learning that just eating creates a sense of fear that is based in the past somewhere. Sometimes triggering flashbacks or switching. This triggers more behaviors related to eating. It's becoming this spiral that is difficult to manage. We can't keep up with what my dietician is requesting to keep track of how I fulfill my exchanges. 

I just don't know why I'm doing this. Am I really doing this for myself and just lost right now? Or was I doing it for another reason and now that it feels lost, I have lost my motivation? Or am I just exhausted from going full-throttle this whole time? Where did my hope go?

 

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Gol

It's possible you need more rest. Have you told this to your therapist? What did they say?

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AmityRose

I know I need more rest and more rest is coming soon. some responsibilities will be lifted while my rv is in the shop being repaired and i stay in an extended stay hotel for a couple weeks. I've not talked to my therapist about it but he is aware. 

ty

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Gol

Disclaimer: I don't have experience with the therapies or programmes you mentioned

It might be great to inform him so you can slow the pace. It will only bring misery if you force yourself to these plans for so long.

I've taken medicine that would surface unwanted feelings and I needed to accept it in low doses first for a few weeks to months before I could take the optimal dosage.

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