Weathering the yearly fog…
I’ll start by saying that what you are about to read took much less time to type out than it did to come up with a title for today’s blog entry. I just threw in what I did because at this point, the ability to come up with something clever has momentarily disappeared.
Hoping you’re all having a good day, week, month, etc, etc.
I am, without a doubt, buried underneath work, family and dog obligations, doctor appointments, a messy house, financial burden, league bowling, postseason baseball, and mindless television and Halloween movies. There simply are not enough hours in the day and by the time bedtime rolls around, I feel the anger and frustration setting in, for I’ve not yet accomplished everything I wanted to get done that day, and I’ll subsequently postpone my bedtime by an additional hour or two and thus fuck up my next day by starting with a significantly less amount of gas in the tank.
I know it’s been a while since I posted a few words and figure now is as good a time as any. Plus - doing it during work downtime, so I will consider that to be a win. Aside from being busy with life’s normal day-to-day challenges, some of you also know that the fall is a difficult time for me and often throws in my face memories that I’d prefer to keep stored under lock and key. I’d actually prefer that they didn’t exist at all, but here we are…
Today, it is 28 years since the most memorable of my trauma experiences occurred. Nearly three decades. That’s more than half of my lifetime ago. I’ve lived with trauma for longer than I have lived life as someone untainted, untouched, unaffected by the cruelty of others. If we’re factoring in childhood trauma, (that I really don’t have many memories of) we have to consider that it’s possible that I do not know what unaffected life even is.
Although I have already spent the last few weeks on autopilot, I have felt this realization slowly beginning to sink in. I know I am not the only one to feel this way - not by a long shot. For those of you who also wonder how trauma-free existence is - I feel you and am right there with you. I wish I had answers on how long this feeling lasts, but am starting to think it is a life sentence for a survivor of varying forms of sexual violence. I also hear the nagging thoughts that seem to blend in along with the day-to-day thoughts, as if the ‘normal’ thoughts don’t hold any weight without trauma having gotten ahold of them, first. Unsure if that makes sense. For example, wondering what I should wear to work the next day because it’s going to be cooler outside…but you know what cooler weather brings….memories of this, this, and this! Oh, and don’t wear a skirt!!! Oh, those are lovely sunflowers, those are gorgeous flowers. I was wearing a skirt with sunflowers on that night, I’m not allowed to like sunflowers!!!
Then there’s unnecessary guilt for admiring the sheer beauty of sunflowers in general….if I want to like sunflowers, I should be able to fucking worship them without associating them with my worst life experience.
(Be assured I have Excedrin Migraine with me in my work bag and it comes in handy.)
So…the fall. My head is dutifully programmed to enter an obligatory fog as soon as the air turns breezy and crisp and summer has begun to fade out. I become jittery, shaky, clumsy, have a tendency to find myself in a daze (even while driving back and forth to work) and I become more exhausted and irritable, likely a result of the postponed bedtimes. I become forgetful and unmotivated. It is unavoidable at this point, so I’ve learned to kinda roll with it, knowing that it’ll pass within a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I find myself socially withdrawing and focusing on the busyness of everything around me until the fog begins to lift just before Halloween time. This, I’m glad for - I have always loved Halloween - perhaps this started in childhood where no one saw who was behind those ridiculous 80’s plastic masks!
(Then, I can start stressing out over Christmas approaching and how I am going to take care of everyone this year! It’s endless.)
I’ve also been thinking about how lonely I’ve felt lately - a direct result of trying to stay busy. It really is a double-edged sword, my friends. When you are dealing with a tough time of year, part of you wants to be around others, but you also don’t. There’s always that little part of you that embraces isolation and being left alone. There are folks who throw themselves headfirst into distractions and justify them as things that need to be done - even thought they really DO need to be done, we always do reserve some time here and there to practice self-care so we don’t burn out and we can go through the motions and still enjoy yourself every now and then. I admittedly haven’t been doing that, and I’ve been distancing myself (I don’t mean to) from family and friends by just sitting in the office I built whenever I have a free moment. I am going to try to work on making some mild changes to my routine once I’m feeling a little more human and less like a programmed robot.
I am thankful for the very small handful of friends who see through the withdrawal and isolation during this time of year, who understand the reasons behind it and who would not allow me to entirely detach from reality for the first few weeks of the fall season. Those types are very few and far between now….so, if you’re lucky enough to have ‘em, cherish ‘em, because one day, they may not be there, anymore.
I love you all. Although I have been here for much shorter than 28 years, After Silence has been instrumental to my healing. YOU ALL have contributed to it. You will continue doing so, for as long as I’m here, there is a peace that I cannot explain, but at the same time, am confident that you all understand without my having to try to sift through the fog to find the right words. That alone is a comfort.
❤️🩹
- Cappy
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