I don't think I talk about my love life here much. I always wanted It to be separate from the rest of my healing journey but, the truth Is It's very much Intertwined and In fact, I have always known It was. I just haven't always been comfortable with my sexuality or my sex life/love life In general to share It. I mean I don't blame myself, I did have to hide most of It (having been groomed and all that, I also hid away from my own desires because my abuser made me believe It was a sin to pleasure oneself, amongst other things like not agreeing with my sexuality, etc.). I just hid from the world for a long time, pretending to forget what I was, or what I wanted. I felt like If I didn't think about It, maybe It would go away, maybe I'd stop being curious about what having sex Is like, or exploring my own sexuality and liking both sexes.

I was afraid of the word sex, of the word orgasm, of getting to label myself, of wanting things, etc. I thought It would stain my image, that people would see me differently If I told them these things about myself, or that they would stop loving me for It. I thought people weren't allowed to be sweet, caring and gentle, as well as bold, daring and experimental (In refference to sex). That It would be weird to fit so many labels In one person. But the thing Is most people aren't just one thing, we're made up of many things. And the more I kept bottling down that side of me, the more It poured out unexpectedly In very destructive ways. One of those ways, was through relationships...

I don't even think I can count my first boyfriend as my "boyfriend"  because I was just a kid and I really didn't like him, but It's embarrasing to admit that even though that was not even a real, mature, relationship, It's probably my best one yet In comparison to the rest. Because at least, he treated me nicely. The rest of my relationships were a rollercoaster of emotions ans troubles and horrible heartache. 

And though I'm not gonna talk about all of them, sometimes I get the urge to talk about the last time I fell In love with someone and my relationship with them. We didn't date for long (It was maybe 4-5 months or so) but It's just one of those times where you meet someone and you know that you'll fall for them. It happened so fast for me, I wasn't ready to take It all In so quickly. It's also super rare for me to fall In love fast, I usually take many months (like 8 or 9). I think he just did all the right things for me, he was super sweet, he was confident In who he was (which Is a very attractive factor for me), he had his life together (he was tudying and working), he had a passion for things and life, and music, he would always compliment me, he was smart and would listen to everything I had to say, just everything...everything.

Besides that, he was my first relationship that didn't try to sa me, or force me to do something I wasn't ready to do, or treat me like garbage. He basically treated me like a decent human being after being mistreated and my heart Immidietly was like "It's time to be In love".

Those were the first two most wonderful months of my life, until we reached the third one. All of a sudden the act was dropped. I remember the first thing that happened was that he picked me up super late from my house (almost 2 hours from the time we'd said to meet up). I kept mentioning that It was a very big issue for me to be so late because being on time Is a subject that's very important to me...I'm not usually very strict on almost anything, but seriously...don't f*ck with me and time. I just think It's disrispectful to be late because It's like you're saying you don't care for that person's schedule or what they have to do, and in fact, that they should work within your time. It was getting so bad I had to sit down with him and tell him that this might be a deal-breaker for me (considering we're just dating still), and by that time I think he was still very Into me becasue after I said that, he took my hands and told me that he would do better, that It wasn't worth breaking up for, and that he didn't wanna lose me. And for two weeks he kept his promise, until he didn't. By that time I'd already fallen head over heels for that man and It was too late for me, I began to accept that behaviour, knowing how against It I am.

It seems simple enough to be late, but that wasn't the only thing...after we were intimate for the first time, although he was excited and cheery with me, he seemed distracted. He stopped asking questions about me, trying to get to know me, It's like he'd lost interest In who I was on the inside. Worse than that, every time we'd see each other, all we seemed to do Is go to his house, have sex, chat for a little, and then leave. And again, at first I was fine with It (at least this wasn't a problem of consent, I understand I'm at fault too for allowing this dynamic to keep going), but then I quickly grew tired of It. I remember mentioning once that If we were gonna keep being intimate, that labels were important to me, that I didn't need a big surprise or anything fancy, just a simple question...to what he told me that he thought I was already his girlfriend. I was honestly very confused because I was raised In a culture where you need to ask the other person If they want to be their girlfriends. I thought It was a healthy conversation to have because In the end he agreed to do something. He told me I should be "prepared" or something like that...I should've known that was bullsh*t...but again, the rose colored glasses are too stained to see anything.

I became confident he would ask me eventually, but obviously he never did, I kept waiting and waiting for nothing. All he wanted to do Is fuck me and see me next week to do the same thing. We barely went out to restaurants anymore or anything planned. By this time I'd already mentioned that sex Isn't all I wanted to do, that I wanted to know more about him and viceversa. We didn't know each other well enough. Then, I started to get sick, I had this nasty UTI that wouldn't go away (and for ya'll who have kept tabs with me know that I have problems with my bladder, guess who they started with? GUESS WHO?... yeah, this guy gave It to me). I did every exam under the planet, doctors still don't know what's wrong with me to this day. I've done STD testing and everything came out clean. I've done all sorts of blood work, two types of different pee tests. They've even done an echo to see If I have rocks In my bladder or If my kidneys are weird, but NOTHING. All they could find Is that my bladder Is constantly inflamed. I also took so many sets of antibiotics during this time...It was awful.

My body went through a lot during this time. I really thought this guy would be different than the rest because he was older than me (we had a 6 year age gap), but I think he was worse In a lot of other ways. I had to take a Plan B after our first time because he wanted to have sex unprotected and because I didn't care enough (I should have). And If you know you KNOW a Plan B absolutely ruins all your period cycle for months and months and months. The cramps I had after that were awful. 

The pills I took, the antibiotics, the tests, the sex, everything was too much. I had razor burns from constantly shaving my intimate parts because he just wanted a "smooth feeling" LIKE WHAT. There where times I wasn't feeling like having sex because my body was going through It, he knew I was sick and I had cramps, but always ended up convincing me. 

One time I ended up In the ER because I started developing an actual fever from the UTI, which Is NOT NORMAL whatsoever. He barely said anything, he was just like "what, why?". That's It, didn't really seem to care further than that, or didn't want to get Involved. It's funny how your body signals you when someone Isn't right for you and yet we don't listen....when we broke up I immidietly got better, never got sick again...but I did have leftovers. I still had issues with my bladder (to this day).

The day we broke up was f*cked up too. I knew something was off for about two weeks prior, he barely texted me and one of those weeks he didn't want to go out. I knew the break up was coming but I didn't want to accept It. Finally, when we saw each other, he picked me up from my house (late as always), I sat In his car and he was awfully quiet. I tried reaching for his left hand because he ususally likes to hold me whilst driving, I barely touched It before I noticed he wasn't grabbing me back, I stayed there for a few seconds thinking of what was going on and then I ended up removing my hand and putting It on my lap once again. I felt like I'd done something wrong, like he was upset with me or something. I thought "maybe he's had a long day, maybe he doesn't want to be touched right now", and I calmed myself down because sometimes there are days where I don't want to be touched and so, I chose to not take that personally. He then told me he was taking me to the restaurant I'd been begging to go with him for weeks and I got super excited...not because of the restaurant Itslef, but because It was a chance for us to finally talk more and connect again. We went to eat and everything seemed fine. He mentioned he liked my top...I think It's because It showed some clevege (very classy of him as always), we ate, and then we asked for the bill. In this part he seemed fine, he cheered up again, so I thought everything was fine. Out of the blue he asked me something super weird, he asked me "would you ever have a threesome?". I'm not kidding, we weren't even talking about anythhing related to sex before. I laughed out of nervousness and I started stuttering, I was really shocked because he'd never asked me anything like that before. I said "no, why?", to what he answered "just curious, I wouldn't either, It's just "horny thinking". I stayed quiet for a solid minute...thinking of the right words to say, I was starting to feel super uncomfortable and confused as to why he would ask me those things. I thought "maybe he's thinking of something he wants do to with me, and I shouldn't make him feel weird about wanting different things..." but I couldn't help feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of a third person. I had so many questions but before I said anything he said "you're bisexual right? what If It was a girl?", I wanted to reaffirm my beliefs and clear his doubts so I said "I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with that, I'd just get jealous", to what he said "yeah me too...so what If It was a man?"...that shocked me even more, I said "I'd feel unsafe being In a room with two men", he said "true". I sat there In pure shock. I asked If he was suggesting something and he kept denying everything. Something was super off about that conversation. I kept wondering why he kept insisting on the idea. I told him that It made me uncomfortable to have that conversation thinking It was healthy of me to be honest, so we stopped talking about It and moved on.

He then suggested to go back to his place (a weird suggestion considering we never did two things In one day), though I wasn't worried because I knew nothing could happen at his apartment knowing I was on my period (sadly that was the only times when we souldn't do It). He barely gave me a peck back at the restaurant, we hadn't really kissed that day but I think It was because I knew he was recovering from a cold...though by that time It had been two weeks since he got sick. I sort of remembered that when we got to his house so I asked him "can I kiss you now that you're not sick?" and he said "yeah, sure". He let me kiss him but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about It, so again, I followed along and didn't push anymore. It felt like he was putting up a barrier. Then I sat on the couch and that's when he started kissing me a lot, he was also very grabby, he started touching my chest and of course, because I was In love, I let him. Then he stopped pulled back, he said "wait...we can't do this anymore". I was super confused, I asked "do what?". I don't remember as much of what happened In that conversation, all I had were key points that I still remember to this day. Basically, he grabbed my hands, looked me In my eyes and said that I was the most well-intentioned girl he'd ever met, but that he couldn't connect with me. Now that It's been a year since that "break up" (or whatever It was because I wasn't truly his girlfriend) I've thought about what he said about connection. He was right that In the end we stopped connecting, he was truly right, but he was right about It because during those last two months he didn't care to finish getting to know me...he stopped asking questions, he stopped answering MY questions about HIS life...of course we weren't connecting...for a second I even thought we'd never had a connection In the first place, but that's a lie...we did, we talked about many things In the start, I listened. There was a spark, but connection Isn't just about sparks like In the movies, It's about commitment, It's about effort and to keep trying to connect with your partner despite everyday's struggles, to keep tabs with them, not to have them as decoration or furniture In your house...I mean c'mon, they're a WHOLE person. I felt used and manipulated...I knew that If he'd told me sooner to break up I would've never let him kiss me or grab me like that, that day. He knew he would break up with me, and yet still had the audacity to touch my chest, as If I'd permit that to someone who wants to break up with me...that's what baffles me the most. Like, at least, If someone wants to have "break-up sex" with you or whatever (which by the way I clearly do not believe In) AT LEAST give them the CHOICE. He acted super "lovey" during our dinner and whilst on the couch, only to reveal he had no "emotional feelings for me"...for real, that's what he said. He told me "I mean, physically, I'm VERY attracted to you, gosh...but emotionally-", and I took that as an offense...obviously. He thought he was flattering me by saying I was very physically attractive but I just kept thinking about how he didn't really like or care for the person I was on the Inside. AND ALSO, the choice of his words that first came out of his mouth were how "nice and well Intentioned" I was....like okay??? like most people are that. He didn't mention how I was funny, or smart, or interesting, or creative. NOTHING. He didn't say any of these things because he didn't know me. He never did. But It was definitely a punch to the face to find out how little he was interested In me as a person, considering I'm so much more than "just pretty". 

He mentioned we weren't a match, which Is true. A true match for me would be someone Interested In me beyond my looks who wants to take care of the relationship, not just wonder why It didn't work when they made no effort for It to work. It was easy for him to say all this things because he wasn't In love like I was, or didn't care about me like I did for him.

In the end he wanted to hug me and all that, but again, I'm not that type of person so I kept denying It for obvious reasons, he hugged me anyways and I started crying, which made It even more difficult for me to let go. I just wanted to move on and get home already but he kept dragging It out. I also knew I was gonna cry If he hugged me (which I didn't want to do) but because he wasn't letting go I finally said "don't touch me". I didn't really want to be the person that yells not to be touched and add more drama, but he wasn't listening, and I knew that would have an immidiate effect to let me go fast, and...he did. I just asked him to stop all-over, stop talking, touching me, justifying. Just stop. No more. Besides, I'd already understand what was happening, maybe I didn't understand his reasons for everything, but one thing I'm familiar with Is rejection. Like, I get It, you don't like me, like...fine. No need to keep making up "feel-good" endings. He even asked me to still be friends, to which I denied...obviously...I mean, I'm not gonna give him that, hell no. Having me In his life was a privilage he didn't know how to take care of, that's not my problem. Besides, It never works out for me to be friends with my exes...If he wants me gone, I'm gone, but for good. I won't let him have bits and pieces of me or try to make him feel a little less shitty by giving him a good ending like "still being friends", no. He chose that, so he has to live with the consequences of not having me around.

After the breakup he kept tabs on me on Instagram, he used to like all the photos and stories I posted of me where I looked pretty...not realizing I'd stopped following him back since the day we'd broken up....then one day (I think after a month) he finally realized I didn't follow him back, and stopped following me altogether. It was a peaceful time. Men will fumble incredible women to then stalk them online forever. (I saw that quote somewhere lol).