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aperson

Entry posted by aperson in Venting ·

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Followers 1

I just want to run away. Away from people. Away from the world. Away from hope. Away from sadness. I just want to be away. It amazes me how people just pack up and leave everything behind. Start over. I don't like saying I have regrets in life. I have poor decisions that came with bad consequences. Some major, some minor. 

Strength. I lack it in many ways. Some say I am strong because of the way I can handle some situations. If they only knew. I live life like a deer in headlights. In shock and fear and too stunned to move from the spot I am in. Hoping that whatever is coming at me will stop within inches of me. Resigned to the fact that it won't and I will be crushed but alive. I wish I was as strong as everyone believes I am. I wish that despite that they still felt the need to comfort me. To see behind the shield. Guess that is kind of my fault though, huh? Spending time trying to live up to expectations of perfection and strength. Trying to be the person they think they see. Makes it harder to say this is no me. This is what I need at this moment. 

I need to feel safe. I need to feel wanted because I am me. I need not to feel unworthy. I need not to feel broken. I need to not fear asking for what I need. I made a plan in my head that I would get a hug because I needed it. It was a hard day. I didn't get it because, instinctively, they knew I wouldn't allow it. Shut down before I could ask the question.

Some would say, don't even try to keep up the facade anymore. Let it go. What is the worst that could happen?  You get your needs met? No. The worst that could and does happen is that your depression and your true feelings are a bit too much. You are a bit too broken. It's too intense. Sometimes it is a bit too silent. Sometimes it is a bit repetitive. 

I cry a lot now days. In bed, staring at the wall, back turned away from the door. Being a live in babysitter, cook, housekeeper, relationship therapist and taxi cab. Responsible for a family that isn't directly mine because those that should be responsible seem to have other priorities. Or have the benefit of not caring but giving financial support as required. I should be grocery shopping now but I am out of ideas and they have no input. Not even what they want to have for snacks. I am the hired help who gets no pay and no days off. What it must be like to have little responsibility for the life you created?

I guess that could apply to me. I created this life. I did out of necessity.  A minor not getting a daily meal is kind of not allowed. 

I don't know. None of this means anything because I am stuck. No fight. No flight. Just a deer in headlights. Waiting for the thing coming at me to decide my fate. I wish it offered me the mercy People say I should give myself.

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awi

Hi friend.  Please know you are not alone.  I relate to many of the things you wrote.  Like wanting to run away, get back to a place in the past and start over again. Also, on lending myself out to others helping them live their lives.  Please be gentle with you.  You are worth it and valuable.  I heard and felt every word you wrote and think the world of you. Keeping you company

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aperson
On 4/21/2024 at 7:53 PM, awi said:

Hi friend.  Please know you are not alone.  I relate to many of the things you wrote.  Like wanting to run away, get back to a place in the past and start over again. Also, on lending myself out to others helping them live their lives.  Please be gentle with you.  You are worth it and valuable.  I heard and felt every word you wrote and think the world of you. Keeping you company

:thanks:

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Tbone

Well have you explored your options? Like an actual marathon? Or jogging, or a mini vacay? Is that too much? I’m sorry that you feel trapped I can relate to it in my later years I think I’m going to follow my own idea and join a marathon… I have about 15 lbs. to lose. Wish me luck. 

 

 

 

 

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