As I get older to understand who I am, I find that I am way more complicated than I originally thought. OK, maybe not complicated but definitely more disfunctional than people give me credit for. Today's topic...expressing what I need.

I can't say that I have ever been told verballly that what I need is not that important. It is  more that I have been made to feel that way. It wasn't said in words explicitly but in actions. When I didn't want to do something or see specific people, I was told I still need to do them. Even when I was committed to a hospital for 30 days as a teenage, I was told day one to do whatever is needed to make this stay 30 days or less. By whatever means were necessary. In 'rebellion' I shut down for 2 weeks and was not allowed to do anything without supervision. So when I am not ok, and someone says, what do you need my mind can't process that they really want to know what I need. Much of the time, I don't even know what I need because I feel like that has never been a consideration and I no longer thought about what I need. Then there are the times that I know what I want. No matter how big or small that need is, I can't ask for it. My mind immediately tells me that is not a good idea to ask. Asking means you won't' receive it. And it is not because the person cannot give it but because they won't give it. They won't give it because you are not worth giving it to.

So I am in need. I know what is needed to fulfill that need. But I have no one to express that the need exists. That I am not ok. That I haven't been ok for a while but where the mask needed to manage day-to-day life. I feel ashamed and embarrassed even having a need that I am unable to fulfill myself. It makes going to therapy, a person who is equipped to help me express those needs, difficult. That inner dialogue says that person doesn't care either. When I leave, there is no further thought to who I am or what I need. Even writing this is a struggle. It is means I have to express a need. A need to be seen. A need to be heard. A need to feel worth it. A need to know that someone cares. A need to have someone (anyone) know that I am not ok and bordering to a severe depression.

The challenge I face daily trying to undo the feelings of not being worthy in this world is overwhelming. It is hard. I keep thinking that if I can tackle these things in pieces that it would make me feel less overwhelmed. But that inner demon seems to always win. The negative talk in my head is way louder than it has ever been. And I know this and I still can't fight it. It is a challenge when  at work too. I am in a position that if I wanted to shine with this new product, I could. But I don't. I do the minimal needed.  My boss thinks this is me shining. If she only knew how much more I could shine if I put in the effort.

My recent medical issues are also not helping. I spent nights at home scared because I couldn't breathe. The adults in my household noticed nothing until I one day told them I am going to urgent care. Even then no one was bothered to come with me. As it turned out, I was referred to the ER and was then admitted to the hospital. During my time there, they hardly called and came for one visit. Because I felt less important, I couldn't say I needed someone there. I had never spent a night in the hospital for any reason. This reason was life or death and I still wasn't worthy. I cried during admission. I cried every night until I was released. The nurses were more caring than my own family. I was scared and I felt alone. It reinforced my feelings. 

So how do I overcome this challenge? I am not sure I have the answer, at least not today. I know that recognizing this as an issue is the first step to trying to grow as a person. I will keep trying. Trying will result in a successful attempt eventually. Not trying is just giving up. I don't know that today is the day that I try. Maybe tomorrow when I am a bit less emotional about the need. A day when, if rejected, I will be in a safer mental space. Or maybe I am once again allowing that negative talk convince me I am not important enough still. Today, tomorrow or weeks from now will not change anything. I want to do this because I would like to have less depressed days. I would like to be able to have more empathy for others. That is hard to do when many times you find it hard to empathize with yourself. If I cannot learn to fulfill my own needs, how effective am I in helping others get their needs fulfilled.

UGHHHH!!! This trying to be a better human is hard.