Hmm, today's the anniversary of the London bombings.  Random thought that just popped into my head.  At T today we talked about the shame I felt.  This goes round and round in my head and I can't seem to shift it.  I guess as my T said there's little point to it - it won't change anything, I can't go over and undo any of it.  And it's not like he feels shame.  So I feel shame because, well first I want to be clear that I had told him that I didn't want to have sex with him, and this was followed by oral rape.  It had been a really long night up til this point and I was very sore in my privates.  Then he started licking me giving me oral sex, and it felt nice - it suddenly didn't hurt - and I even in my semi conscious extremely drunk state pushed his head to make him do it more.  But then I realised what I was doing and stopped.  It wasn't something I wanted.  But I came.  And the participation and coming just make me feel so ashamed and so dirty.  My T's right, I can't carry this around forever.  And I've been carrying it around for years so far.  But I don't know how to let go of it.  She suggested hugging myself whenever feelings come up.  So I'm going to give that a go, though I've gone pretty numb again now, so not sure that they're going to to be honest.