Today at T I was really sad about the stuff with my dad.  It's hard to think about it sometimes.  I find myself shutting down emotionally, going numb.  But today I was crying.  It's been a long time since I've cried.  I'm so restricted/inhibited now.  I keep everything in check.  My dad didn't physically touch me - he just did stuff in front of me.  But this is enough to have had a massive effect on me.  It's made me think of men as disgusting vile creatures, and of very needy weak people that are dependent on you.  It's made me not trust men - well this and also my dad was really physically aggressive towards me and would shout and scream at me and just go for me (but I'd run).  So I think of men as scary and unsafe.  The T said something interesting I guess.  I was thinking at the end about there always being people worse off than you are and as well as thinking of my sister at present, my head had gone back to a child I grew up with.  And I explained to her that I used to do this when I was a kid - think about people who were worse off than me or more that I was really quite lucky (I had a roof, clothes, food - what more did I need? I'm not starving in a remote part of Africa I think was my example).  But she said, why was I belittling my experiences?  I think we came to the conclusion that I may have been using the technique I'd used all those years ago to cope (someone else is worse off), to distract myself again now. 

I don't know how to stop going numb.  I thought typing this tonight might keep me in touch with some of the emotions, help me process things.  But I don't feel anything.  I just shut down following an appointment.  I'm only able to access my emotions during the appointments.  That's so frustrating (which I get is an oxymoron!).  I've been banging my head against this brick wall for years.  Unless it's one of the periods or extremes (which are extremely rare these days), then I'm numb nearly all the time.  And I don't know how to change it.  Just willing myself to feel something (even unpleasant things may be an achievement when you've been numb for so long) isn't working.