Had my second T session today.  We talked about all the other stuff other than the r*pe.  So the assault when I was 16, my dad touching himself in front of me, and being sexually abused as a very small child (which I don't remember - was only 3 and 3/4 when it came out) but that led to my mother being violent towards me (I was the one who spoke up and he ended up assaulting my mother for what turned out to be again - she'd been abused by him when she was a teenager herself, don't even ask how we ended up in his care!  So this just brought things up for her that she couldn't face).  It was a lot looking back on it.  But I don't feel as detacted this week as I did last.  Last week I was fried.  I was totally exhausted mentally and physically and just completely drained emotionally.  This week I feel a little better.  I'm not sure what the difference is.  Was I just ready to talk about this stuff?  Or was it the fact that she gave me 5 minutes at the end to come to?  Seems sort of a small change to make such a big difference though.  I don't know whether I prefer this or not.  I mean being numb has its benefits.  But I guess you do have to process things sometime right?

I keep thinking about my dad and the effect that's had on me.  And I'm getting quite angry because I don't want it to have had an effect on me, but it quite clearly has done.  I think of men as disgusting vile dirty creatures because of it.  And that's really hard to say that that was because of my father, particularly because he was so so ill.  He had no idea what he was doing half the time.  I hold my mother responsible.  She knew how ill he was and was a very intelligent lady (and he wasn't intelligent at all), so she could have helped him or told him that he needed to get help at least, but instead she took every god damn promotion she could to get out of the house and work away from home.  I'm not saying we couldn't do with the money, but we could have lived on less.  It's all so confusing.  Particularly as my mum had her own struggles with mental health even though she wasn't formally diagnosised.  But she can't not have done (she was assaulted too).

The r*pe, I just keep going back to when I orgasmed in my head.  I can't really get past that.  I know everything that people say - it's just the body reacting to stimuli.  But still.  And I see the look of shear pleasure and achievement on his face.  He looked demented.  And I knew what was going to happen next.  That's when the vaginal r*pe happened.  I only remember the start because I remember the pain of him inserting himself.  But then I pass out.  Then it's over, at least the physical assault.  Then commenced was 3-4 hours of talking to him (because he wanted to chat!).  And he had the gaul to ask me at one point if I was okay - FFS are you sh*tting me?  I answered Yes obviously as I was too terrified to do anything else.  But going through my head was 'No, you've just r*ped me'.

God my head really is spinning with thoughts tonight.  Just needed to type everything down.