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So many flashbacks

sk8er

Entry posted by sk8er in Heart thoughts ·

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So I got tested positive for covid a week ago--( I don't have It anymore though) and things have been really difficult for me.

For context I was already feeling like I was In some sort of "lockdown" because I'd just quit my job plus my summer vacations had started, so all I've done Is stay at home.

I kinda forget every now and then, that when I lose a routine I get severely depressed. (Like yes I'm already deressed, but It comes In a bigger wave when I stop going out). It's generally hard for me to go out If I don't have an event or obligation to go to, In fact I WONT go out, UNLESS I have an event or obligation to go to. It's dangerous because I can't find a genuine will to get out of bed unless I have to. And then, as If that wasn't enough, the one time I decide to go out I catch covid, which I'd never had before, and It all feels like a bad sitcom.

I told my therapist how funny It Is that I was already feeling as If we we're In lockdown, to then get covid and complete the whole package.

but, In a more serious way...things haven't been so good for me. Being alone with my dad at home has been so, so uncomfortable and stressful for me because of reasons I don't want to get Into Lol. Not that It's an "extreme" situation or anything, like I'm not In danger, it's just been a really bad experience.

It's been bringing up a lot of memories from the pandemic too, a lot of traumas, I even started remembering one of my abusive best friends I had at the time that absolutely ruined my life...I don't know why, but now she's In my mind again...they come In flashes, sometimes with strong emotions attached or Intrusive thoughts. It's hell.

I physically have reactions to my flashbacks which Is something I'm not so accustomed to AT ALL. I sweat, I space out, I shake, I mumble.... I am NOT there. It visually looks like I'm having some sort of war flashback. And then afterwards I lose a bit of memory of what I was doing, who I was with, sometimes where I'm at. It's scary.

The thing that's been bothering me the most however, Is that I've been having very graphic and very uncomfortable Intrusive thoughts, and although I've dealt with things like that In the past many times, I'm struggling really hard with these ones because they feed off of very strong phobias that I have. 

I geniuenly feel incarcerated In my own mind....just as how I felt during the pandemic. Which casually was also the lowest point In my mental health an In life In general. So not great, no. One ould think after they went through It, they now don't have to go through It twice right? right?.....

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sk8er
On 9/9/2024 at 1:04 AM, Tbone said:

Emotions come in waves, like grief, it’s hard to ride the waves… 

Truly...

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sk8er
On 10/20/2024 at 5:48 AM, WannaMoveOn said:

Heya s8er, how have you been?

Hi wanna! long time. I'm doing okay, much better. I'm almost done with uni and I've been super busy. How are you?

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WannaMoveOn
13 hours ago, sk8er said:

Hi wanna! long time. I'm doing okay, much better. I'm almost done with uni and I've been super busy. How are you?

Oh are you graduating? Cool! Are you looking for jobs? 

I am getting along. I've finished my first bachelor and am doing my second now. Learning a lot of grammar :) 

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sk8er
On 10/26/2024 at 4:43 PM, WannaMoveOn said:

Oh are you graduating? Cool! Are you looking for jobs? 

I am getting along. I've finished my first bachelor and am doing my second now. Learning a lot of grammar :) 

Yes! I'm on my way out, soon enough. I've been doing small jobs here and there but nothing solid yet sadly. At least I have some income for now lol
Thats so cool! what's your second bachelor? sounds interesting

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WannaMoveOn
7 hours ago, sk8er said:

Yes! I'm on my way out, soon enough. I've been doing small jobs here and there but nothing solid yet sadly. At least I have some income for now lol
Thats so cool! what's your second bachelor? sounds interesting

Yup, you do that when you put together your teacher's degree independently in my country. :) 

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