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Putting out fires

sk8er

Entry posted by sk8er in Existing ·

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At home I don't feel at one. Let's be fair, I never will If I haven't by now, but should I keep putting out fires?

I think I've reached a point where I don't know wether to choose to put out another fire or start to build myself a life, even if It's a slow one.

If I choose my dreams, It'll be slow and I'll still have to put up with poor living, doubting everyday If I can stand It anymore, not knowing If I'll eventually lose my mind because of It.

If I choose a home, I'll never have to put up with bad living situations from others, and If I do It'll at least be up to me to change It, but my dreams will be put on hold for god knows how long.

If I don't choose anything life will choose for me In ways I don't agree, In ways I can't control.

If I don't choose now, It's one more year I stay In this house regardless.

I'm bad at choosing. I'm bad at leaving people behind, about moving. I'm bad at being alone and with people. 

I'm burned out, Is that Important to this equation? has anybody considered It yet? why do people go over It when I mention It?

I fear regret, I fear I'll never move out and I'll always live In a hell hole. I fear If I don't do anything now I never will. I fear I'm too burned out to do anything new, too broken to be with anyone new. 

I don't know what to spend my time on first, but anything I choose will take a while so the more I stall on It, the more time It'll take, and i'm only 21, why do I feel so much pressure? why do I need everything to be figured out now? will that finally make me feel at peace with myself?

I've grown up faster than I thought I would, even If my younger self disagrees.

She would've told me that everything seems so slow. She wanted to grow up faster to get out of there faster, and I feel like I've failed her because I'm still here.

Edited by sk8er

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Tbone

Are you 22 or 23 now? Is life better or worse now? I always say “I’ll be 21 forever.” It was the age to be! Well, happy birthday regardless, belatedly or otherwise… I’m sorry you feel stuck. The pandemic sure didn’t help. I hope life opens doors and pathways for you soon. Being stuck sucks! So are you putting out fires or building your life? Which one have you chosen?

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sk8er
On 9/9/2024 at 1:20 AM, Tbone said:

Are you 22 or 23 now? Is life better or worse now? I always say “I’ll be 21 forever.” It was the age to be! Well, happy birthday regardless, belatedly or otherwise… I’m sorry you feel stuck. The pandemic sure didn’t help. I hope life opens doors and pathways for you soon. Being stuck sucks! So are you putting out fires or building your life? Which one have you chosen?

Im 22 now, thanks for saying happy birthday. It's weird re-reading this now, I honestly forgot It existed, but It's something that circles my mind a lot to this day. I've chosen to build my life, even If It's a slow process...but sometimes I've also been putting out fires at home If they rise up. So I guess I've been doing both? I'm almost done at university so I would say things are looking better now. Still burned out, but not as much as before.

Edited by sk8er
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