I find myself going back in time in my mind and only pulling out the negative things that have happened in my life.  But I know that that's not the case.  Though happy moments may have been few a far between, that is what makes them so special and I don't want to forget those integral moments that kept me going through the dark parts of my life.  So here is a place that I will list those moments. (I will update as I remember more) 

1) When my parents and brothers were working or doing after school activities, I'd have the house to myself for about 3 hours.  It was the most stress free time I had.  I would spend that time singing as loud as I can to my dog, dancing around like an idiot with him.  Even now as an adult, the most relaxing time I have is being at home alone with my 4 dogs.  It just feels like I can truly be myself without restrictions.  Being around animals will always be a stress reliever for me. 

2) One time at a school event, I was running with the other students and I fell.  I could feel the numbness start to take over.  If everyone makes fun of me, I'll just show them that I don't care even though I know I care so deeply how people think of me.  Before I could think more on it, a girl came from behind  me and helped me up. She said, "Don't worry. No one saw." I still remember this  over 15 years later.  I don't think she realized how fragile I was mentally or how much that one kindness helped me from caving further into myself.  I don't think I even said thank you, I was just in shock that someone took the time for me when I expected no one would.  

3) I ordered food from DoorDash and the guy sends me a message that they were out of Coke and asked me if I wanted something else. I said that I don't really like any other soda so its fine.  No worries.  When he dropped off my food there was a coke.  Apparently, he went through a local drive through and picked me up a coke.  If I could meet that man again, I'd give him all the money I could find.  It always throws me off guard when people are nice to me.  Especially, the little things. 

4) When I was little, my mom would put on music on the loud speakers and we would all help in spring cleaning.  Everyone would have a chore to do.  My mom would open up the dark curtains and let in the light.  (I want to say something negative about how things would change but I also don't want to taint this post. So I'll leave it at that.) 

5) When I was riding the school bus, I tried to talk to another girl about her backpack to make a friend.  We had the same cartoon on the bag, she looked at me and said "so?" I just turned around and got sad, but her friend she was sitting with stared at me for a while and eventually said she liked my backpack. 

6) Any person who took sincere interest in me especially throughout high school, when I was at my lowest.  Even just a passing hello, I didn't realize until now how much I clung to those social interactions.  

7) Being in choir in high school was a big motivator for me.  If it wasn't for choir, I would have had no incentive to try and might have dropped out.  Plus being a decent singer, if gave me attention that I very much wanted.  Since I had that attention, I didn't feel the need to act out or behave poorly for attention.  Music also helped me retain a healthy acknowledgment of how I felt.  I was numb most of the time but when I sang in choir or had Chester from Linkin Park screaming at me (lol), it helped me feel human again. 

😎 My 15th birthday party, where quite a few people actually showed up and had a good time.  I was not expecting that at all.  

9) My 18th birthday.  My friends without the knowledge of my parents threw me a surprise bday party at a friends house.  My family wasn't invited, I had no clue, and we had a good time.  The first and only surprise party I ever had.  

10) I have a health issue where I have to take a shot once every two weeks.  It burns a lot and I hate doing it.  One day my husband comes home with this cold spray that numbs the skin and makes taking the shot half as bad.  It made me feel like he acknowledged me and that he believed that it does feel that bad.  That gesture moved me so much I may have teared up because of it.  

*11) When I had no money to pay for school, they wouldn't let me register for classes or apply for dorm rooms until I paid  what was left.  I had no money, no car, my parents had abandoned me for a while. I had 54 cents in my bank account.  2 wonderful souls gave me 500 dollars to pay off the last of what I owed so that I could register for classes and save my dorm room.  I remember I cried when they handed me that money.  I didn't even ask.  They just sat me down and said don't worry about paying us back.  I'm crying while typing this.  I can't believe how lucky I was to have met these people.  I wouldn't have graduated without them doing that one thing.  I hope to repay their kindness one day. 

*12) When I was in the 9th grade, our choir got to go to a field trip to Washington DC to sing at a 9/11 memorial.  My mom said I couldn't go because it was too much money and that no one would take care of me like she could and she couldn't go.  She kept telling me someone would snatch me up there and sell me into the sex slave business.  (Little did she know....) Anyways, after telling my choir teacher I couldn't go, he said an anonymous donor donated money for my trip and personally called my mother and convinced her to let me go.  His first statement to me was "You're mother is overprotective isn't she?" BUT... happy part of the story I got to go and even though I didn't have many friends, I was soo happy to be there.  Was a great experience. Very thankful for that anonymous donor.  

I'll try and think of more in the coming weeks.  This post is me trying to switch my mind from thinking so negatively all the time.  If anyone reads this, I'd love to read your own positive memories.