I haven't been posting much on here because my mood disorder has been difficult to deal with. Lots of rapid ups and downs. Addressing my trauma in therapy has been very difficult because when I get triggered badly it usually makes my mood shift into hypomania (which feels fun and euphoric for about a day or two, then turns into agitation, restlessness, and severe sensory issues).

I'm trying meds again and it's been tough. I found one that helps me sleep. But TBH I'm not getting frequent enough appointments with my psychiatrist, haven't been able to find a new one, and it's been making this whole process of finding a mood stabilizer hard.

Combined with my trauma symptoms and all the feelings I get around the holidays, things have felt pretty unbearable.

Everything hurts and I'm very tired.

I want to start EMDR but I genuinely don't feel capable of coping with things getting any worse than they already are (my therapist said sometimes it makes things worse before it makes them better). I am at capacity.

I feel like my brain has been put into a mortar and pestle, then ground into paste.