Nightly Musings

Oh @Haze_D, everything you've typed here rings so true. I'm not an expert in how to help someone avoid methods of escape, but I can say I'm in the same storm... but a different boat. The flashbacks and pain of having to deal with the memories, emotions and the face of 'him' in your head is absolute hell isn't it - and you're right, it can come with the territory of having to recall the events. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, because your trauma and its aftermath are unique to you, but I can relate to your words so deeply. Alcohol and prescription drugs are my escape too. The 'you' who has to deal with the aftermath alone, the version that no one else sees, is not to blame when you crush those pills up and needs to escape. I don't want that to sound like a cliche... I know it's likely you've heard the words 'you're not to blame' a lot from the good people around you. What I'm trying to say is that I don't blame you for wanting a break from the flashbacks and thoughts; I don't blame you for needing some peace in your head; I don't blame you for needing a bit of respite from what you're going through; I don't blame you for any of it, because I know what it feels like when you're in a place of despair, and I know what the relief is like when your head finally feels calm. Alongside anyone else here reading your blog entry, and all the supportive people in your life who know what you're going through, I don't judge you as a bad person for taking those pills - I see someone who has profound reason for needing an escape from the aftermath. 

It would be wrong for me to say the pills are a good idea... I know my own methods of escape come with risks, and I am feeling a lot of care for your wellbeing right now, but all I can do is (hopefully) be a reassurance that any feelings of personal shame you have shouldn't be linked with what you're going through and how you have to deal with it - it's a peice of a different jigsaw puzzle that belongs in the lives of those who choose to do harm to others, including the people who hurt us. Your need for escape and how you're finding it isn't a measure of how good or bad you are as a person, or how well or badly you're dealing with everything, it's a measure of your personal pain. And I strongly believe that both you and I shouldn't feel that we're lying to ourselves - this whole experience is one heck of a rollercoaster with 'up' moments and plenty of 'downs'. The good moments and the super scary ones are part of the same ride... and the realisation that we're still on the right track and going in the right direction during the frightening dips and twists could act as some kind of protection from that misplaced shame.

I'm also not going to rabbit on about other ways you could find that relief (a calming bath, reading a book etc) because I understand that it's pretty much impossible to enjoy these things when your head is a whirlwind of panic, anger, grief, fear, worry and sadness. These things are a help to me when my head is feeling calmer (without the booze and pills), but sometimes the craving for respite is so strong, I forget to care for my own wellbeing and to be honest, couldn't care less about it. It's almost like self-destruct behaviour. But, during the better times, I've recently started caring for myself and allowing myself things that make me happy. Not so I can perform with the 'I'm fine mask' for others around me, but for myself in my own private world. I never thought I'd be able to do that, but I know I'm capable of it now. I think, as things improve naturally in my head and as my self-worth grows, the need for escape will lessen... and the pills and gin bottle with stay tucked away more often.

In the meantime, we have enough to deal with and carrying shame that doesn't belong to us just makes our rollercoaster cart heavier and even more uncomfortable. If you ever want someone to sit next to you in your rollercoaster cart, I offer my company. 

Thanks for sharing your blog entry... I feel less lonely with my stuff now. I hope your time here helps you feel cared for and understood - you deserve all the comfort and reassurance you find. ❤ 

 

@LisaButterfly Thank you so so much for your words. I woke up this morning and read your comment and I started crying, but they weren't sad tears. It feel like I've been in constant loop of shame lately and it feels so nice to be seen without the judgement through your words. It makes me feel less"bad" and have some compassion for myself. I'm sorry that you relate to this, but I'm really thankful to not feel so alone on this journey. It makes me so happy to hear that you're finding ways to show yourself love and self-care. Again, thank you so much for this comment- I don't think I can express how much it meant to know that someone out there can relate and cares. So, heres to us (and others that may relate to this) navigating this journey with self-compassion and love because like you said, its a rollercoaster  ❤️