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My Story

GreenHairDontCare

Entry posted by GreenHairDontCare in childhood sexual abuse ·

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MY STORY

 

How do I even begin?? 

I guess I can start off by saying that I was sexually abused/molested from the time I was four (earliest memories of it happening) and it lasted until I was fifteen. That's at the minimum eleven years of sexual trauma. This is so hard to admit out loud. For so many years I have kept this to myself, and I have actually told myself that I would take it to my grave. Why did I tell myself this? Because I was AFRAID. Afraid of: my abuser, telling anyone, not being believed, sympathy, disgust, feeling shame, feeling guilt, others thinking differently of me, etc. The list goes on and on. Why am I the one that feels disgusted with myself? Why do I feel as if it was my fault, as if I had to have done SOMETHING to make this happen to me? I'll tell you the only answer I have, I don't know.

Who is responsible?

The one person that was supposed to protect me, my guardian, my parental figure, MY FATHER. What did I do to deserve this? I was born. I have no other answer, because this is one of the many questions that have plagued my mind since. As a child you are supposed to be able to trust the people who created you. They are supposed to be your idols, your hero's. But for me, I lived in perpetual hell. Others who have no experience with abuse (of any kind) would probably ask "why didn't you tell anyone?" The simple answer to that is because I couldn't. Fear is a very powerful inhibitor. 

A little background. 

I am the youngest child of four. I have an older sister and two older brothers. My sister and eldest brother are technically my half siblings seeing as we have different fathers, and my other brother (3rd oldest) shares the same father as me. I am now twenty-three years old, and just now coming out about what happened to me. What's even more horrible, and yet comforting (which I feel disgusted at saying), is the fact that my older sister was also molested/sexually abused by my father. Now before you think, “why would you say that!”, I only mean that it is comforting because I am not alone in what happened to me. My sister has the same, or similar, experiences that I do. When I finally came out about what happened to me, I had her there to talk to and assure me that I wasn’t alone in what was done to me. She was able to relate to almost everything I had to go through, which made it easier to talk about.

Of course, that didn’t make everything okay. I still have nightmares occasionally and it has made it VERY hard for me to trust anyone, and most importantly men. I have excessive anxiety when going out in public and can’t go places by myself without feeling like someone is out to get/hurt me. I know this is an irrational fear, however I can’t get rid of the feeling. I have never wanted attention from others and have literally gone out of my way to not elicit it; i.e. changing the way I dress, present myself, and how friendly I am to strangers.

Resounding Questions

·         How do I move on from what happened?

·         What are some good coping mechanisms?

·         What should I do when I’m having a bad day?

·         Does the guilt ever go away?

·         Why? (I know there will never be a good enough answer to this.)

 

*This is only the beginning of opening up. There's still so much left unsaid. 

4 Comments

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Mic

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how you feel it having been your father…I have a hard time being angry at my parents for not protecting me (as my therapist tells me they should have, there were lots if signs)…so to have the anger be directly at him, must be that much harder to express/process. I get that you feel some “comfort” in that your sister knows what you went through, I’m sorry it happened to her too, but glad for the support for you. This site is the first time I’m really “talking” to anyone who knows the types of things I’ve been through and it has been helpful, so having that connection to someone close to you is an understandable comfort…not that you’re happy it happened to her too. I’m still just starting on my journey to heal, so I don’t have any great advice. Just keep talking. Whatever you need to do to make yourself comfortable (changing clothes, not going out aline, etc) is all okay if that’s what you need to feel safe…you’re taking care of yourself, like someone should have cared for you when you were younger. Right now, on my bad days(often) I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and stay as busy as possible to stay ahead of my thoughts or body memories…when that doesn’t work I have to let myself just sit with it, write, read these posts to make me feel less like it’s all just me. Not much help there, but I hope it helps to know someone is listening. Take care of yourself.

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GreenHairDontCare

@Mic

Thank you so much for your kind words and responding to my blog post! It feels good to get some of it out. And it's nice to be able to talk to others who can have some perspective on it, rather than people just feeling sorry for you. It has been very difficult for sure, especially to have it be my father that did it. I find myself wanting to hate him for what he did to me and to my sister, but at the same time i feel guilty for feeling that way because at the end of the day he is still my dad. I don't know how I should feel. And I don't want him in my life, but I am being forced to because the police have him under investigation and they don't want him to suspect anything. I feel like it's doing more harm, to me, than good for them. But then again, I wouldn't wish any harm to him, and that baffles me. How can I still love him, because he's my dad, after all that he's done to me? 

 

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Mic

It’s crazy how our bodies, minds/emotions can mess with us so badly…I know it isn’t logical to feel you love the person who did this to you and while I cannot explain it, I can tell you that I cried the day my first abuser died, and not just from relief, but I remember (crazily) being sad…also I totally lost it after the teacher who was abusing me moved away…somehow felt like I needed her…go figure…we can’t control our feelings and I’m sure the “grooming” they do makes us feel that way…

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GreenHairDontCare

"I’m sure the “grooming” they do makes us feel that way…"

I feel like that sentence really explains it. Because when you think about it, at least for me, it was my dad. As a child you automatically love your parents. And i guess that familial attachment is why I still care for him. Despite the awful things he did, he's the only father that I'll ever have. But the word "grooming' actually makes sense. Because those with the power to manipulate and force you to do or endure those horrible acts have a hold over us, whether it be fear, authority, or whatever else. It makes you develop a kind of complacency that keeps you from being able to get away from it. I'm so sorry for everything that you had to endure, and I hope you can find some comfort by knowing that you aren't alone. That's still something that I have to come to terms with. It's nice to be able to talk to others, especially anonymously. There's no fear that you'll be judged. 

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